CHEERS! · Parenting

Bedtime (A Rhyming Slur) – Guest Post by A Reluctant Mummy

So the #Cheers series is back after a little break (whilst I mostly ate biscuits and stared at the mirror wondering at what point I’m going to actually start the Pre-Christmas diet.)  So.  Thanks for popping back!  Hope you’re well.  Grab yourself a cuppa (and cake obvs) and let’s do this…

I was recently contacted by a very exclusive blogger of the covert and top secret kind.  Her code name: *glances over shoulder and whispers*… “A Reluctant Mummy” Now I hadn’t come across this rhyming treasure before as she is not one for the social media – too risky *glances over shoulder again*.  She does however have an absolutely kick ass blog.  Once I found it and started clicking I could not stop.  I found fantastic, practical tips *coughs* for baking with kids. (Number 9 – I am this mum!), I found real and honest accounts of what actually happens in the school holidays.  I found lots of swears… and they were all big and all very clever – all of them!  And then, this elusive but fabulous blogger shared this little beauty and asked if I might like to feature it right here?

“Yes please” I said.

Et voila:

 

Image shows an anonymous quote: "Motherhood: The only place you can experience heaven and hell at the same time."

A Reluctant Mummy

Bedtime (a rhyming slur)

Time for sleep my darling,
Time to rest your eyes,
Not a peep from you now,
Until the sun starts to rise.
Time to snooze now, sweetheart,
You’ve had a busy day,
You’ve burnt off lots of energy,
You’ve had loads of time to play.
Just lie down now, please son,
You really must be tired,
Your body needs the rest now,
Even if your brother is wired.
Please stop screeching now, dude,
I can barely hear myself think,
It’s already way past bedtime,
And Mummy needs a drink.
This really isn’t funny, mate,
That protest poo wasn’t fair,
I need to have some peace now,
Grown ups have red wine to share.
For fucks sake, go to sleep now,
No, the dark isn’t scary,
No there aren’t any monsters,
But Daddy and I want to get lairy.
Bloody hell, another wee,
You’re really taking the piss,
If every night is going to be like this,
I’ll be giving bedtimes a miss.
I’m not fucking joking anymore,
The wine is calling my name,
Just close your eyes and lie the fuck down,
I’m about to go insane.
No, your leg is not hurting,
No, you haven’t bumped your head.
If you fucking carry on with this shit,
You’ll be sleeping in the shed.
Right, your brother is asleep now,
And I have had enough,
I don’t care if the pillow feels a little lukewarm.
You’ll have to deal with it, tough.
Thank goodness, peace at last,
The wine begins to pour,
We’ll sit on our phones in silence,
Whilst you just snore and snore.
We sneak to peek at your sleeping face,
Your angelic glow has us hooked,
But if you pull this shit tomorrow night,
You and your brother can get fucked.

 

More about A Reluctant Mummy:

“I’m an exceedingly slummy mummy, trying but failing to wing it through motherhood. I have two boys, who are part feral, part very confused and though they can be lovely, they provide me with daily opportunities to stand and stare whilst muttering WTAF at the bullshit they pull. I have a lovely, clueless, bull-in-a-china-shop husband who is a bit enamoured by the violence of the youngest Monster and is totally banned from using any of the glassware in our house. I have two cats and feel passionately that we need more. I also feel passionately that ‘fucking’ should be listed as an adjective in the OED.”

If you would like to read more please do pop over and have a nosy at her brilliant site.  It really delivers the giggles!  Speaking of which our guest this week also shared with me another talent that I think really does need a mention.  She makes cards.  Funny cards.  Genuinely brilliant (and often a bit sweary) cards.  All of which are handmade / hand-lettered.  I have never found card shopping particularly entertaining before but some of these had me in bits.  You can check out Odd Balls cards on Facebook. (She didn’t ask me to plug this for her – I just really think that she has some very funny cards and thought you might like them too!)

To the fabulous and elusive “A Reluctant Mummy” –  Thanks for letting me feature your rhyme. Please grab your very own #Cheers badge!

 

Rhyming with Wine

If you are also a rhyming blogger – whether new to rhyming or a seasoned poet, and would like me to share one of your posts as part of my new CHEERS! Rhyming Series, please get in touch.

I’d love to hear from you!

Dawn

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28 thoughts on “Bedtime (A Rhyming Slur) – Guest Post by A Reluctant Mummy

  1. Just how do they manage to do it?
    To wind us all up so intensely?
    A person who’s barely half my height,
    Pissing me off so immensely?

    They’re worth it, they worth it, they’re worth it
    The mantra I have to repeat
    As they whinge, cry, whine, moan and shout,
    Lie on the floor or stamp their feet

    So I totally get your reluctance
    Isn’t it mad that we choose this?
    A natural control freak, I admit that I struggle
    When they refuse that and refuse this

    Remember the dad in Matilda?
    An arsehole, but sometimes I get it;
    “I’m right, you’re wrong; I’m big, you’re small”
    Nice idea mate, but forget it

    For no-one can beat the will of a child
    The sheer stubborn determination
    Only a child can grind you down, and
    Leave you weeping with frustration

    This parenting thing can be so hard
    But in the end, it’s all fine
    Because no matter how bad the day has been
    Thank fuck, there’s always wine

  2. You’re just a love Dawn. As is everyone who has commented. You’re all loves. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
    And imatwinmama – you win at life, that is pretty good stuff there!

  3. Total out loud laghter–almost woke the little wee ones, and wouldn’t that just be ironic! Oy vey! Loved this. Thanks so much! Funny thing, I don’t get comfort in knowing that bedtime for all just really sucks…I just want to know when, oh when will it get better! This is one tired mama! #BigPinkLink xoxo
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