Humour · Parenting · Rhyme

The bum change (aka Baby Yoga).

 

*Warning*

This post contains a lot of poo.  But then, so does the average toddler…

*********

It is any o’clock on a quite normal day.

The hubs and I chat in our usual way,

When my nose is attacked with a waft of fresh poo?

I turn to the husband and sneer “was that you?”

We glance at The Toddler, both thinking the same…

Stinky by nature, “Stinky” by name!

The Husband just shrugs: “Think his bum needs a change?”

(Apparently this one’s for me to arrange?!)

The suspect’s in view, my target’s in sight,

Quite proud of his nappy all loaded with *poo*

I question his guilt: “Stinky Bum – Have you pooed?”

*Ignores me and waddles off giggling*  How rude!?

I’m ready to pounce, I adopt ninja pose!

I am braced to breathe through this assault on my nose.

I reach for my offspring and make a quick grab,

He thrashes about like an overturned crab!

I gently persuade him to lay on the floor.

(At least I now know what my elbows are for?)

He holds his position quite like a small tank,

And eagerly demonstrates “Cross Rigid Plank.”

Off comes the nappy, flung straight out of view,

Keen to avoid tiny feet kicking poo!

With most of my limbs holding offspring in place,

I find a new nappy (just using my face).

Lift by the ankles, place nappy beneath,

Try to secure it (still using my teeth).

But Tot won’t submit to his place on the mat,

With feet held up high he attempts “Twisting Bat.”

I count down from 10 and maintain a firm grip,

Hold him in place to ensure he can’t flip.

The nappy’s in situ, he cares not one smidge.

He arches his back and adopts “Screeching Bridge.”

With all of my might and my skills as a mother *coughs*

On goes one velcro strap, then goes the other!

I slump back exhausted, and somewhat relieved.

Time to calm down now.  Mission achieved!

I sooth and I snuggle “All done now” I say,

“Your lovely clean bottom can go back to play.”

The boy is still vexed. This did not go as planned!

He accepts defeat on this occasion and…

Retreats to the toy box with wounded tot pride,

To plays with his Duplo whilst plotting inside:

You might win this battle but I’ll win the war!

It might be 1-0 but I’ll even the score!

Just you wait Mummy, I’ll have the last laugh…

Fudge silly nappies,

……I’ll sh#t in the bath!!

bath2

Proudly linking up with…

Rhyming with Wine
Rhyming with Wine

141 thoughts on “The bum change (aka Baby Yoga).

    1. I don’t do yoga either. I don’t think my pelvic floor could cope with any downward facing anything nowadays (plus too much time in one position and I fall asleep). Thank you lovely – you know the feeling is mutual! 💕 xx

  1. Ha ha the last bit made me laugh out loud! We have only ever had one poo in the bath but it was horrendous (I’ve jinxed myself here and will now no doubt receive that treat today!) Why do they make it such a wrestling match?! My youngest screams until it’s over and on occasion I’ve been known to be sweating from the workout. Roll on potty training!! 🙂 thanks for hosting #fartglitter again and for choosing my post to be featured

    1. It’s just such a battle isn’t it? The Boy is apparently quite enjoying his evening constitutional in the bath and has kindly taken to pooping in it just about every night, oh and once in the shower. Bleughh! Thanks for reading hun and you’re v welcome. It was beautiful xx

  2. Argh the ending…..!!!!!! How you write these rhymes I don’t know. I can manage 4 lines and that’s it. You’re very talented and youve nailed the poo wrestle!!

  3. Ah the poo wrestle! It’s a favourite in our house, but only when Mummy’s doing the nappy change, he’s good as gold for Daddy! We still change on the change table but I fear not for much longer, one day he is going to end up on the floor! #fartglitter

    1. There are benefits to the floor. (It’s easier to sit on them a bit to stop them wriggling). I’m starting to edge more towards floor now anyway as the sight of him stood up on the changing table and jumping up and down is unnerving! 😀 Thanks for commenting! Sorry for the delayed response (over excitable spam filter!) X

  4. haha we have only had one bath poop and my daughter was horrified!! The worst was a vomit when I was in it with her. Nappy changes are the worst especially if you have a wriggly child. I love trying to make hubby do it!!! Thanks for hosting xx
    Sarah Howe recently posted…I Miss ShoppingMy Profile

    1. Just the one? It’s becoming a nightly occurrence for us! Although haven’t had to deal with a bath vomit incedent. My heart goes out to you! 😉 Just wait until your new little bundle is doing it in the bath – now that will horrify The Gremlin! Our eldest approaches the bath with trepidation now! Thanks for reading hun xx

  5. Ah at 10.5 months we are yet to have a poo – bath situation (blatently just jinxed us!!) but we are experts at the bum change wrestle! And why oh why do they always want to grab and play with the pooey nappy?! Thanks for hosting #fartglitter 🙂

  6. Ha ha! Love the ending – brilliant! Although Dangermouse prefers to seek revenge by pooing in her nice clean nappy 😉

    Have fun being hosty! #fartglitter

  7. hahaha I’ve always said that changing a toddler should be considered an olympic sport! My guy wont’ let you change him laying down, so we have to do it with him standing up. Sometimes it goes well, and sometimes it simply makes it easier for him to run away while still diaper free!
    #fartglitter
    Sarah recently posted…Earth Day: tips to love the planetMy Profile

  8. This is fantastic!!! Love it! This is exactly how all of our nappy battles go too although I haven’t had the bath poop….yet!!! You have such a talent with words! I must share this with my Mummy friends please? 🙂 #fartglitter

  9. Ha ha! This is my 1st visit to your blog and this is a great introduction – thank you! I regularly have this battle with my 16 month old, J. I love the names you have created for the various wriggling positions to avoid nappy change at all costs. We are going through a happy to be changed phase (phew!) but getting dressed is a screaming battle! #passthesauce

  10. Aaah, genius Dawn!!!!! I love the take on the baby yoga poses-it’s one I wish I’d thought of myself!! Both of mine have been through that awkward stage of acting like you’re murdering them when changing their nappies… At one point it was the number one thing that stressed me to the max!!! I had a big chuckle at the end!! We’ve only ever had one poo in the bath incident, but it was epic, and the eldest talked about it for months afterwards-it wasn’t only me who was traumatised apparently!!!!
    #PassTheSauce
    This Mum’s Life recently posted…The Big Pink LinkMy Profile

    1. Thank you lovely! We are now quite accustomed to them. His big sister used to be traumatised but is actually getting quite non – plussed about the whole affair now. Probably a good thing as I think the drama was encouraging The Boy to keep up his good work! Bleughh! X

    1. He is definitely bringing out the big guns with this manoeuvre! Luckily their Dad does most of the bathing. (And I never ever smirk when I hear him shriek as I know what it means haha). Oh bugger. He’s started reading my blogs now. I’ll pay for this! #cleaningupbathpooallmonth 😉 x

  11. Just stumbled in from #passthesauce and may be fired for laughing so loud in my office. I just did a post discussing poo but know where near the mastery of yours. I wish I could say it gets easier as they get older but they just find more inventive places to crap..fab poast x

    1. Oops sorry (not really! 😁). Although don’t want to get you fired!! You can’t beat a good post about poo! I find it’s a key element to most of my parenting days – whether I like it or not! Thanks for the reassurance. Good to know things will just get even more poopy. #stealthcrapping 😂 Thanks hun! Xx

    1. Thank you Fi! Hope yesterday’s poonami wasn’t a disappointment. We now have casual conversations over dinner like “Has T pooed today? Was it a big one? Do you think we should just shower him to be safe?” #blessed haha xx

  12. Your posts always guarantee a giggle – so brilliant. It’s been a few years but this brings back all those nappy changing memories only too well 🙂 I knew exactly what you meant by the Twisting Bat’ too, perfect description. #passthesauce
    Mess and Merlot recently posted…Beauty and The BrainboxMy Profile

  13. Haha Toddler changing is hard work!
    Poo in the bath looool good luck with that! 😉
    I am excited that you are cohosting this fabulous link up, I was gutted thinking I couldn’t join in But I can thanks to you 😍 #PassTheSauce xxx

  14. 😂 I love the visuals you’ve created by incorporating the yoga poses…I am in stitches. Truly entertaining and takes me back to a messier time. Thanks for sharing”! #Passthesauce

    1. Yeah I just get the look. The “He’s pooed and I really don’t fancy doing much about it” look. Although I can’t grumble he’s pretty hands on with most things and the bath time bit is all on Daddy – poop and all! 🙂 Thanks Sarah x

  15. Another hilarious post. I have no idea how you find time to rhyme but I’m so glad that you do. Bring on the poo – which is clearly an inevitable part of the parenting experience that I will come to enjoy in good time. Currently making the most of the next 3 months where Pea is just growing poo, not producing it! #Passthesauce

    1. Enjoy lovely! It’s a delightful experience and you’ll love every minute! I never fully appreciated just how at one with the poo I would actually become? Needless to say nothing phases me now and I’m sure you’ll be the same. Thanks for reading xx

  16. Brilliant post. I have been deeply scarred by the poo in the bath scenario. And I also seem to get the – ‘baby’s done a poo’ comment, which translates as ‘you need to change the babies bum’. Cheers then! #passthesauce xx

    1. It’s quite a shocking experience at first isn’t it? We both just kind of stood and looked at it for a few minutes trying to figure out how to move on haha. You’ve got to love the “I think he’s pooed” *shifty glance* comment haven’t you? Meh! Cheers indeed! 🙂 xx

    1. Ah well it’s great fun! You’ll love it! (Just remember – “Twisting Bat” – when it happens you’ll know!) 😉 Although to be fair I don’t envy you either. 11 weeks old? #chickenkorma Bleughh! Sending cake xx

  17. Haha this is brilliant, you’re so clever (rhyming skills and nappy skills by the sounds of it). I have to say the poo is one thing I’m not sure how I’ll cope with, hoping I’ll develop a thicker skin when the baby arrives!! #FartGlitter

    1. I think you’ll be fine as long as it’s your own (baby’s that is, not literally your own!) I can deal with anything my two can throw at me (again – literally), but anyone else’s child comes near me with the waft of poop or candlestick nostrils and I’m outa there! Thanks lovely 🙂 xx

  18. Oh Dawn, you are brilliant! I’ve not changed a nappy for a loooooong time, but your rhyme bought it all back to me. How many times did one of mine get a foot full of poo? I lost count! Although there was only one time that I can recall a floater in the bath; my daughter a do believe (she was always a love). How Mums used to secure nappies with pins I’ll never know, especially when they never had a hand free!

    Thank you for the laugh.

    xx
    Debbie recently posted…Take Care Of Your Skin This SummerMy Profile

    1. Good Lord the injuries that would be inflicted if I had to try and secure a safety pin with my teeth as I generally do the velcro?? Maybe babies were more compliant in those days? Maybe they feared getting The Pin if they weren’t? Maybe that’s the problem? Velcro is not assertive enough?? 😉 Thanks for your lovely comment as always Debs! 😘

  19. Ha ha, why is it always mums job to sort the nappy out!? Pay back was indeed while dad was doing bath time, oh yes poop in the bath! #passthesauce

  20. I remember the days of duct taping the diaper on 2 of my 3 children. They would take that sucker off as soon as they pooped and smear it where they may. But luckily only dealt with the tub poo twice I think. Great poetry as always. Thank you for hostessing #Fartglitter

  21. I was going to comment on this the other eve but it was just before tea and I felt a bit sick so stopped!! 😉 I remember this so well, I used to pin my son’s head between my knees and change him the other way round. It was a nightmare! It was like some kind of insane challenge where there could only be one winner….and it wasn’t the carpet! 😉 Thanks for hosting! #passthesauce

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