This post contains a lot of poo. But then, so does the average toddler…
It is any o’clock on a quite normal day.
The hubs and I chat in our usual way,
When my nose is attacked with a waft of fresh poo?
I turn to the husband and sneer “was that you?”
We glance at The Toddler, both thinking the same…
Stinky by nature, “Stinky” by name!
The Husband just shrugs: “Think his bum needs a change?”
(Apparently this one’s for me to arrange?!)
The suspect’s in view, my target’s in sight,
Quite proud of his nappy all loaded with *poo*
I question his guilt: “Stinky Bum – Have you pooed?”
*Ignores me and waddles off giggling* How rude!?
I’m ready to pounce, I adopt ninja pose!
I am braced to breathe through this assault on my nose.
I reach for my offspring and make a quick grab,
He thrashes about like an overturned crab!
I gently persuade him to lay on the floor.
(At least I now know what my elbows are for?)
He holds his position quite like a small tank,
And eagerly demonstrates “Cross Rigid Plank.”
Off comes the nappy, flung straight out of view,
Keen to avoid tiny feet kicking poo!
With most of my limbs holding offspring in place,
I find a new nappy (just using my face).
Lift by the ankles, place nappy beneath,
Try to secure it (still using my teeth).
But Tot won’t submit to his place on the mat,
With feet held up high he attempts “Twisting Bat.”
I count down from 10 and maintain a firm grip,
Hold him in place to ensure he can’t flip.
The nappy’s in situ, he cares not one smidge.
He arches his back and adopts “Screeching Bridge.”
With all of my might and my skills as a mother *coughs*
On goes one velcro strap, then goes the other!
I slump back exhausted, and somewhat relieved.
Time to calm down now. Mission achieved!
I sooth and I snuggle “All done now” I say,
“Your lovely clean bottom can go back to play.”
The boy is still vexed. This did not go as planned!
He accepts defeat on this occasion and…
Retreats to the toy box with wounded tot pride,
To plays with his Duplo whilst plotting inside:
You might win this battle but I’ll win the war!
It might be 1-0 but I’ll even the score!
Just you wait Mummy, I’ll have the last laugh…
Fudge silly nappies,
……I’ll sh#t in the bath!!
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