Do not eat chocolate. Chocolate is The Devil’s work. Except for left over Christmas chocolate, which should be eaten in the spirit of New Year’s Resolution to not be extreme, and to be responsible and balanced, and eat all things in moderation.
5th January – Realise that you are not very good at moderation. Eat all of the left over Christmas chocolate in one sitting. This is particularly important to do so that there is no chocolate in the house from 6th January. Because chocolate is The Devil’s work.
12th January. – Complain about the fact that Creme Eggs are already in the shops!? Tut loudly when you see them at the checkout in Asda. Eat a Creme Egg.
Pay attention to a lot of pink and red coloured chocolate displays in shops. Buy at least one box of white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies for The Husband. Agree with husband that no Valentine’s gifts are to be exchanged this year because “meh.” Eat the white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies. Consider buying more as a Valentine’s gift for The Offspring to promote the meaning of love inclusively in the family, and to demonstrate that Valentine’s Day is not just a commercial act of exploitation. Realise that the buying of chocolate is not supporting this theory. Eat second box of white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies. Receive zero chocolates from Husband. Buy self a consolation box of white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies.
Give chocolate up for lent.
Forecast a drought of Cadbury’s Mini Eggs as Easter approaches. Recognise that Easter will be ruined by a lack of chocolate crispy Mini-Egg nest thingies. Buy a lot of Mini Eggs. Eat a lot of Mini Eggs. Buy more Mini Eggs. Notice that there is a pattern emerging. Buy Easter Eggs. Buy
a lot of a few small bars of chocolate to ensure that the family’s supplies of various sized eggs remains intact.
25th March – Notice that the supermarket still has a supply of both Mini and Easter eggs. Consider this to be a find! Buy more Mini Eggs and Easter eggs.
Easter – The Festival Of Chocolate!
Make chocolate crispy nest thingies with The Offspring and consider this to be “baking” therefore winning at parenthood. Eat a lot of chocolate crispy nest thingies. End up with just one Mini egg on each nest due to apparent and unexplained shortage of Mini Eggs. Unearth hoard of chocolate eggs from hiding place in garage. Create exciting Easter Egg hunt around the house and garden. Collect basket filled with chocolate eggs from The Offspring and put them back into the hiding place in the garage. Allow them one small piece of chocolate to promote balance and moderation. Wait until The Offspring are in bed. Eat a lot of chocolate eggs. Repeat this process until all eggs have been attended to aside from only the
naff tasting cartoon pig inspired ones. Forget that these exist.
28th April. Remember the cartoon pig inspired eggs. Share them with children.
Realise that you are soon going on holiday. Dust off beachwear. DO NOT EAT CHOCOLATE! Chocolate is the work of The Devil. Replace chocolate with broccoli.
Look forward to an exciting family holiday. Fear a distinct lack of decent chocolate whilst abroad. Buy a large bag of Daim and Mini Toblerone in a moment of
panic weakness at airport before departing UK. Eat a lot of Daim and Mini Toblerone. Realise that you aren’t entirely fond of said items. Get slightly giddy at the sight of a bar of Dairy Milk in overseas mini-mart. Feign ignorance at the cost of piddly bar of imported Dairy Milk. Eat Dairy Milk.
Return from family holiday. Eat a lot of chocolate to make up for the fact that you hardly had any at all whilst on holiday. Put beachwear into hibernation.
Buy a lot of chocolate kiddie snacks to keep The Offspring nourished and entertained during many paddling pool play dates over the summer. Eat a lot of chocolate kiddie snacks.
Receive invitation to Christmas Party. Dust off Christmas party outfit. DO NOT EAT ANY CHOCOLATE! Chocolate is the Devil’s Work.
Plan ahead and stock up on small hand sized bags of chocolate. Find several bargains. Buy more bags of chocolate. Try to work out how many trick or treaters are likely to call at your home. Calculate that last year you were visited by one small zombie, two witches and a pumpkin. Work out the number of streets in a 12 mile radius. Assume at least 50 houses per street. Assume at least 2 children per household. Buy this many small hand sized bags of chocolate. Buy more small bags of chocolate to ensure that you have spares. Throw The Offspring a tiny Halloween party. Buy a lot of chocolate.
31st October – Answer the door to one small zombie, two witches and a pumpkin. Collect a lot of chocolate.
1st November – Eat a lot of chocolate. Justify as much of it as possible under the headings: “choking risk”, “dental risk” and “well this is the chocolate that we bought anyway so not technically stealing candy from the children.”
The Celebration Of All Of The Chocolate.
Start each morning with a chocolate. Preferably before you have fully opened your eyes. Continue inhaling chocolate throughout the day in any acceptable form, ie hot / baked / intravenous. Eat an obscene amount of chocolate and justify it under “Instagram fodder”, “making memories” and “getting into the spirit”. If these headings are not appropriate simply use “it’s Christmas”. Buy A LOT of chocolate. Distribute some of said chocolate in gift format. Build up
an excessive a sensible store of chocolate for guests and visitors to enjoy at your home over the festive period.
25th December -Receive approximately 6 times your body weight in chocolate. Welcome zero guests or visitors to your home. Go to their house instead. Eat a lot of chocolate.
31st December – Swear New Year’s resolution to not eat any chocolate.
1st January – Repeat as above.