Humour

The Calendar According To Chocolate.

Image shows melted chocolate with the post title in print.

January –

Do not eat chocolate.  Chocolate is The Devil’s work.  Except for left over Christmas chocolate, which should be eaten in the spirit of New Year’s Resolution to not be extreme, and to be responsible and balanced, and eat all things in moderation.

5th January –  Realise that you are not very good at moderation.  Eat all of the left over Christmas chocolate in one sitting.  This is particularly important to do so that there is no chocolate in the house from 6th January.  Because chocolate is The Devil’s work.

12th January. – Complain about the fact that Creme Eggs are already in the shops!? Tut loudly when you see them at the checkout in Asda.  Eat a Creme Egg.

 

February –

Valentine’s Day:

Pay attention to a lot of pink and red coloured chocolate displays in shops.  Buy at least one box of white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies for The Husband.  Agree with husband that no Valentine’s gifts are to be exchanged this year because “meh.” Eat the white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies.  Consider buying more as a Valentine’s gift for The Offspring to promote the meaning of love inclusively in the family, and to demonstrate that Valentine’s Day is not just a commercial act of exploitation.  Realise that the buying of chocolate is not supporting this theory.  Eat second box of white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies.  Receive zero chocolates from Husband.  Buy self a consolation box of white chocolate strawberry flavoured truffle thingies.

Give chocolate up for lent.

 

March –

Forecast a drought of Cadbury’s Mini Eggs as Easter approaches.  Recognise that Easter will be ruined by a lack of  chocolate crispy Mini-Egg nest thingies.  Buy a lot of Mini Eggs.  Eat a lot of Mini Eggs.  Buy more Mini Eggs. Notice that there is a pattern emerging.  Buy Easter Eggs.  Buy a lot of a few small bars of chocolate to ensure that the family’s supplies of various sized eggs remains intact.

25th March – Notice that the supermarket still has a supply of both Mini and Easter eggs.  Consider this to be a find!  Buy more Mini Eggs and Easter eggs.

Image shows a cluster of mini eggs

April –

Easter – The Festival Of Chocolate!

Make chocolate crispy nest thingies with The Offspring and consider this to be “baking” therefore winning at parenthood.  Eat a lot of chocolate crispy nest thingies.  End up with just one Mini egg on each nest due to apparent and unexplained shortage of Mini Eggs. Unearth hoard of chocolate eggs from hiding place in garage.  Create exciting Easter Egg hunt around the house and garden.  Collect basket filled with chocolate eggs from The Offspring and put them back into the hiding place in the garage.  Allow them one small piece of chocolate to promote balance and moderation.  Wait until The Offspring are in bed.  Eat a lot of chocolate eggs.  Repeat this process until all eggs have been attended to aside from only the naff tasting cartoon pig inspired ones.  Forget that these exist.

28th April.  Remember the cartoon pig inspired eggs.  Share them with children.

 

May –

Realise that you are soon going on holiday.  Dust off beachwear.  DO NOT EAT CHOCOLATE!  Chocolate is the work of The Devil.  Replace chocolate with broccoli.

 

June –

Look forward to an exciting family holiday.  Fear a distinct lack of decent chocolate whilst abroad.  Buy a large bag of Daim and Mini Toblerone in a moment of panic weakness at airport before departing UK.  Eat a lot of Daim and Mini Toblerone. Realise that you aren’t entirely fond of said items.  Get slightly giddy at the sight of a bar of Dairy Milk in overseas mini-mart.  Feign ignorance at the cost of  piddly bar of imported Dairy Milk.  Eat Dairy Milk.

 

July –

Return from family holiday.  Eat a lot of chocolate to make up for the fact that you hardly had any at all whilst on holiday.  Put beachwear into hibernation.

 

August –

Buy a lot of chocolate kiddie snacks to keep The Offspring nourished and entertained during many paddling pool play dates over the summer.  Eat a lot of chocolate kiddie snacks.

 

September –

Receive invitation to Christmas Party.  Dust off Christmas party outfit.  DO NOT EAT ANY CHOCOLATE!  Chocolate is the Devil’s Work.

Image shows an autumnal scene with a pumpkin and a plate of halloween themed chocolates.

October –

Halloween:  

Plan ahead and stock up on small hand sized bags of chocolate.  Find several bargains.  Buy more bags of chocolate.  Try to work out how many trick or treaters are likely to call at your home.  Calculate that last year you were visited by one small zombie, two witches and a pumpkin.  Work out the number of streets in a 12 mile radius.  Assume at least 50 houses per street.  Assume at least 2 children per household.  Buy this many small hand sized bags of chocolate.   Buy more small bags of chocolate to ensure that you have spares.  Throw The Offspring a tiny Halloween party.   Buy a lot of chocolate.

31st October –  Answer the door to one small zombie, two witches and a pumpkin.  Collect a lot of chocolate.

 

November –

1st November – Eat a lot of chocolate.  Justify as much of it as possible under the headings: “choking risk”, “dental risk” and  “well this is the chocolate that we bought anyway so not technically stealing candy from the children.”

Image shows a snowy place setting with a place of chocolate lolly pops and a mug of hot chocolate.

December –

The Celebration Of All Of The Chocolate.

Start each morning with a chocolate.  Preferably before you have fully opened your eyes.  Continue inhaling chocolate throughout the day in any acceptable form, ie hot / baked / intravenous. Eat an obscene amount of chocolate and justify it under “Instagram fodder”, “making memories” and “getting into the spirit”.  If these headings are not appropriate simply use “it’s Christmas”.  Buy A LOT of chocolate.  Distribute some of said chocolate in gift format.  Build up an excessive a sensible store of chocolate for guests and visitors to enjoy at your home over the festive period.

25th December -Receive approximately 6 times your body weight in chocolate.   Welcome zero guests or visitors to your home.  Go to their house instead.  Eat a lot of chocolate.

31st December – Swear New Year’s resolution to not eat any chocolate.

1st January – Repeat as above.

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124 thoughts on “The Calendar According To Chocolate.

  1. Pahahahaha!!!! 😂😂😂🙈
    So bloody funny – and spot on!
    It’s the eternal circle of chocolate love/hate isn’t it! I’m currently in my hate phase with the knowledge Easter is looming and I’m going to use it as an excuse to eat ALL the creme eggs and mini egg nesty things 😂😂👍🏻

  2. Ahaha it’s so true! Oh my goodness I can’t believe how quickly I eat those bags of mini eggs… you feel like you’ve only had a couple and then there’s none left?! And at Christmas why do we always buy massive tubs of chocolate, pretending we are going to share them with these uninvited/unplanned guests… knowing full well we’ll just eat them ourselves. I am trying to persuade my husband that as I’m pregnant he should buy me one of those super posh, ridiculously indulgent Hotel Chocolat Easter eggs… I’ll probably get a dairy milk one 😂 X
    Ellen recently posted…I wonder what he’s thinking…My Profile

    1. I absolutely think that it is mandatory for him to provide such an egg! Tell him you shan’t be doing any of the pushing out of small people without one! 😂 So pleased that your chocolate calendar seems to be a little bit like mine! Thank you lovely xx

    1. Oh my word that sounds delicious! I really do wish I was a bit less of a chocolate fiend and a bit more of a brocolli fiend but unfortunately it just isn’t happening for me. I’ll be looking out for that recipe! Thanks for popping by Jean x

    1. Ooh I haven’t heard of this either Stephanie. I’m not sure it’s something that I would be all that keen to embrace though so I might just be selectively ignorant haha. I’ll have to look it up! Thanks for commenting x

    1. Every year I try to pace myself in the spirit of moderation and every year I fail and end up stuffing it into my face to “get rid of it”? Because that always helps with the weight loss haha. Thank you Gary! 🙂

  3. This is my life! I was enormously proud of myself yesterday for walking past the supermarket offering of Easter eggs for £1 right at the front of the shop. Last year, I bought (and ate) 3 a week, but muffin tops need sorting and all that jazz…it’s killing me! #dreamteam

  4. This is so completely right the year is controlled by chocolate still never mind I love chocolate very funny post as usual Dawn thanks for hosting #dreamteam

  5. Oh my darling, as good as this post is (and believe me, it really is), I did not need to read it when I’m 7 days into my dechox. I can’t stop thinking about the bloody stuff now.
    Mmmmmm mini eggs.
    #dreamteam
    Rach recently posted…Top 10 CerealsMy Profile

    1. You’re a secret chocolate snaffler too then? I’m so bad! Luckily my hub is not one for going into kitchen cupboards. (Why would he need to – his kitchen wench does that – aka me.) There have to be some perks to being sole custodian of the kitchen haha. Thank you x

  6. Gosh I love mini eggs. I saw a reminder yesterday about the need for cutting them up (a la grapes) as they are perfect size for littlies to choke on. Pretty solid too. Anyway, safety aside (they taste just as good cut in half!) they are amazing. But the highlight of my chocolate calendar is Lindt balls. ALL YEAR ROUND. #dreamteam

    1. I have always worried about the safety aspect of mini eggs. Hence I’ve always made sure that I’ve eaten them all myself. Just to be safe. 😉 Seriously though good point lovely! Thank you – and I’m so with you on Lindt balls! X

  7. So funny and so true! My life revolves around bloomin’ chocolate. Always try to abstain before the summer holiday and the thought of getting into a bikini is horrific! And the Halloween stash which I only finished off the other day. And now it’s everywhere again for Easter – aaaaah! There is no end to the chocolate cycle. #dreamteam

  8. This is so brilliant Dawn! You are a pretty good blogger when not in rhyme too 😉

    I hate to tell you this, but we are the total nemesis to your post, We get so much chocolate at all said seasons, but seem to always be a season behind. I’m eating leftover Xmas choc right now. We give away our leftover easter chocolates at halloween. Honestly. And, then we get a load more which we end up chucking away at Christmas. And don’t even get me started on the kids party sweets…

    To be fair though we DO have a huge family who give us a ridiculous amount of goodies, and I am totally a crisps girl 😉

    xx
    #dreamteam
    MMT recently posted…Working the toddler group circuitMy Profile

    1. …. Did you say “give away?” And… “chucking away?” *sobs*. Ok. We can push past this. We may have to work things out but I’m determined that we can still be friends. If it helps I’m not particularly into crisps so there could be some brilliant sharing out of the virtual snacks here? 😂 I’m so impressed that you were eating chocolate whilst reading. That’s impressive lovely! 😘 x

  9. Oddly enough, I have a post about why chocolate is proof that God exists rather than being the Devil’s work 🙂 I loved this, so made me laugh. I’d show it to Rev T but he’s mainlining mini eggs. #DreamTeam

    1. I’m not a huge fan to be fair. I do quite like the white chocolate version but the rest of it only tends to be eaten in moments of panic at airports for me. I think this is the key to their successful marketing strategy. 😉 Thank you x

  10. Great post! Lots of fun. I can go weeks or even months without chocolate then I can’t stop craving it for a while 🙂 #DreamTeam

  11. Sounds about right, except we have lots of kiddie birthdays in August and the preferred party gift seems to be boxes of maltesers, so I’d have to add those to the mix. Otherwise that’s my chocolate year to a tee.
    However, starting tomorrow I will be doing a paleo diet which means no chocolate!! I’ve already looked up a paleo chocolate recipe and will be making a stash today.
    #blogcrush #chocolateaddict #needchocolateeverymonthoftheyear

  12. Hehe I loved this post the first time around, and it’s just as clever and funny popping back from #blogcrush

    I had my first creme egg today. Being the lovely mummy that I am, I also bought one for my 2 year old. However, I took the wrapper off and she started shouting at me that she doesn’t like eggs and she wouldn’t put it anywhere near her mouth… so I ate that one too! Hahaha

    #blogcrush
    Lucy At Home recently posted…Blog Crush Week 4: 10th February 2017My Profile

    1. Well I think that you deserve an extra one for being such a good mummy and for saving your little one from having to eat things that she doesn’t like! Does that apply to Easter eggs too? #winningatparenting Thanks so much hon 😂 xx

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