Hey. Frazzled parent. I’m talking to you. YOU: Stealth eating Smarties whilst hid in the loo. Yes you – that is always a teensy bit late, As you spin half the world and its chores on a plate. YOU: that scrolls Insta and lets out a sigh, Whilst secretly poking “#blessedmum” in the eye. You… Continue reading We Need To Talk About the Conditions of my Imprisonment …And Other Funny Parenting Stories
You know that mum that stands in line at school quite perfectly? The one that’s there in loads of time? Yeah that one: That’s not me! I try my best each single day to make it there with ease. I’m out of bed at 6am precisely thank-you-please!? I start each day composed and calm and… Continue reading Ode to being Perpetually Late…
The morning starts like any other. Sleeping school-girl, plus small brother. Uniform is freshly pressed. Ready for her to get dressed. Everything is still and calm, Until Skirt hears the school alarm. She pokes the others on their clip, And wriggles from the hanger’s grip. From clinging to the bedroom door, She drops – and… Continue reading A Day In The Life of a School Uniform.
Dear Offspring. I love you. Of that there’s no doubt. But you’ve learned a new skill and it’s making me shout. Along with your new-found vocabulary, You’ve developed a yearning to need stuff – from me! I’ve always been there to attend to your needs, Through all of the teething and endless night feeds. But… Continue reading Ode to my Tiny Taskmasters…
If you ask any parent their idea of fun, It would most likely NOT be an icy school run. I peered through the window at seven this morning, The Arctic had landed. Without prior warning. The car was a snowball. The road looked like glass. The path had transformed to a treacherous pass. Not a… Continue reading A School Run On Ice.
My mum has a brand new obsession of late. With piling some green nonsense onto my plate. She must be confused or not right in the head? As it’s none of the three food-groups: cheese, jam or bread? She’s attempted the usual tactics of course, Like blending the stuff up and calling it “sauce”. But… Continue reading The Battle Of The Broccoli (By a 3 year old.)
One of the first ‘grown up’ poems I ever read as a child was Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy By Robert Frost. I was 9 years old and our teacher had set us all the challenge of learning it off by heart to recite in front of the class. It must have had… Continue reading Stopping By The House On A Mummy’s Evening. (A Parody.)
Dear Santa. At this time of year you’re quite a busy chap. And I’m sorry to disturb you from your almost year-long nap, It’s just that as a parent I’m afraid it seems to me, That things are somewhat lacking with your elf security. I would not dare suggest that your North Pole control is… Continue reading Dear Santa… (A Rhyme)
1) Thou shalt not spill. Or if thou shalt spill thou shalt make sure thou is not anywhere that there is carpet. (Preferably in the garden.) 2) Thou shalt not steal. Not even in those shops where all the good stuff is lined up right next to the tills and at your perfect grabbing… Continue reading The Ten Commandments – According to Mummy.
This ghastly occurrence, did (Would you believe?) Unfold on that day we call All Hallows Eve… I’d decided to knock up a mean “zombie stew”, Which has all the same stuff in as chilli! Who knew? 😉 Now a good zombie stew contains beans, so of course I cut open a tin and then crushed… Continue reading The Zombie Stew, The Blood and The Biscuit Tin…