Humour · Parenting · Rhyme

Code Brown! Repeat: Code Brown! 

​A few weeks ago I read a brilliant post by Hello Archie  “When Poo Gets The Best Of You”, and Oh how I did nod and chuckle to my smug little self. 

Yeah well, Karma is a b!tch…

Image of cartoon boy looking cheeky

…What are you up to? I cautiously shout.
Whilst wrestling my battered old make up bag out.

The boy hears this rustle and comes bounding in,
Climbs onto the duvet to rummage within.

But hang on a moment… I pause, squint and frown.

What the hell is that?

… and why is it brown?

A few possibilities swim round my head,
The last of them being: He’s shat on my bed!

I freeze for a minute and blink once or twice,
Wracking my brain for some form of advice.

Then hoist the young poop machine into the air,
Whilst trying to avoid getting turd everywhere.

He’s plonked in the bath. Right.
Okay then.
What now?
I use my right elbow to sweep hair from brow.

The boy is disgruntled,  his patience worn thin.
With no one to help me.
I just get stuck in.

Down come the trousers and up goes his top.
The tot disapproves with a huge screeching strop.

Despite being careful it’s now in his hair,
And all down his legs with great artistic flair.

“OK to the shower!” I hysterically laugh,
Whilst leaving both PJs and poo in the bath.

I shout for some wipes to help tame all the sh1t.
… Miss Tot wanders in with a nail grooming kit?

Lord Poo Pants protests as I shower him down,
Hosing away any traces of brown.

Then he’s wrapped in a towel as my blood pressure calms.
Despite all the screaming and flailing of arms.

“I’ll just get a wipe!” I can hear Miss Tot cry.
“DON’T TOUCH IT! I’ll sort it as soon as he’s dry!”

“But Mummy he’s done some on Mummy’s bed too!”

*pause while this sinks in*

“I know it’s on my bed.
…Why did you say TOO!?”

I regain composure and put the boy down.
Then nervously seek out Miss Tot with a frown.

“WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS THIS CRAP-SCENE FROM HELL?”
There’s poo on her bed and 3 teddies as well.

So just to be sure and prevent any doubt,
I check The Boy’s bedroom.
Then try not to shout.

“THERE’S POO ON THE CARPET!” I frantically howl.
We have sh1t on 3 duvets, the bath and a towel.

The shower’s a grizzly chaotic scene,
3 teddies have seen things they shouldn’t have seen!

I’m somewhat perturbed and I find it quite strange,
That an infant of 2 has such impressive range!?

He grins with great pride. He was really on form,
To rustle up such a fantastic sh1t storm!

And just if this wasn’t enough of a state.
It’s nursery day – and we’re now running late.

I still have two offspring that need to be fed,
So down to the kitchen they’re hustled and led.

Two cereal bowls are haphazardly served,
While I dash back to clean… leaving both unobserved.

*face palm*

My hand hasn’t quite reached the shower room door,
When the big one shouts up “All his food’s on the floor!”

I race back downstairs – What the bugger is this?
You have got to be kidding or taking the p1ss!?

Image shows a kitchen table and chair with milk and cereal spilled all over and dripping off the chair.

Not quite yet fulfilled, bless his cute sh1tty pants.
He’s krispied my kitchen.
You know – just for bants’.

…I do not have favourites, as none of us do.
But today little sunshine – today – it’s not you!

I’ve written today off as traumatic farce ,
The incredible antics of Lord sh1tty arse.

But we each shall have days where the sh1t hits the fan,
So we just have to wipe it the best that we can!

************

Kaye lovely – thank you for the inspiration for this rhyme and for passing on the poo baton.  Today I am proud to say that the “Poo most definitely got the best of me!”

Dx

This post was featured over on the brilliant You Have To Laugh Blog. Click the badge for some serious parenting giggles!

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It was also featured by the lovely Muma at Muma On The Edge as the debut post for her #blogloving #BestOfTheRest series!

*blows kiss to Muma*

 

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76 thoughts on “Code Brown! Repeat: Code Brown! 

    1. I have never experienced a storm quite like it. We’re talking “get in the bath with a mattress over the top” storm rating. (Although probably not the bath. That’s where the pooped upon pjs were! 🙈) Thanks Louise! Xx

  1. Ok so usually I may chuckle at things that I read, however you have just made me spit my breakfast out over my laptop! I’m sorry I have laughed that hard at your misfortune but I promise I couldn’t help it! I hope for your sanity that was the end of the story.
    #DreamTeam

  2. That was a real laugh out louder, I don’t know how you deliver these stories in poem form like a pro. Loved – I’m somewhat perturbed and I find it quite strange,
    That an infant of 2 has such impressive range!? And the teddies! Nothing sticks to fur quite like sh1t!! #chucklemums

  3. Another brilliant post as always! Wetting myself (or should I see poo-ing myself eek!) with laughter reading this. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

  4. Oh this made me chuckle so much, thank you for sharing your poo fest with us. As a mum to a 13 year old and an 11 year old, I feel my smugness won’t turn around and bite me on the bum. One of the funniest posts I’ve read for a while 🙂 #bestandworst x
    Lisa recently posted…Celebrating Wednesday’s #1My Profile

  5. I wish I could tell you it gets better as they get older but nope. My 5 year old has some strange thing where she wipes her butt then throws the toilet paper in the trash or occasionally just on the FLOOR! And she refuses to flush her poo! Drives me crazy! My 6 year old has to strip completely naked for fear he will get poop on his clothes and, like his father, spends 30 minutes in the bathroom pooping! Like what in the name of poo are they doing in there. But my 4 year old well she’s better than all of them…she wipes, flushes, washes her hands without being reminded, she puts her clothes in the hamper ALWAYS, keeps her room tidy and she’s 4! What happened to the two older ones??? I blame their father 😜 Thanks for the chuckle as always and for linking with #momsterslink ;))
    Trista, Domesticated Momster recently posted…Momsterslink ~ November 10, 2016My Profile

    1. Seriously what do they do in there? My eldest needed a number 2 when we were out with family last year and my mum offered to take her while I dealt with The Boy. 25 minutes later we thought they’d got lost but no. Miss Tot was just sat swinging her legs singing songs to Nanny whilst doing her thing and Nanny was too polite to do anything but stand around and wait haha. Thanks for hosting hon xx

    1. I’m beginning to realise that days like this one are likely to be burned onto my memory for all eternity haha. At least you can just hand the grandchildren back with a big bag of washing? Possibly a bill for new carpets? 😉 Thank you for Laurie. x

  6. LMAO! i love it. I can’t say I miss those days in parenting, but I can say your sense of humor will get you through it. Awesome blog. Found you via #momsterslink and will definitely be back. 🙂

    1. Ah thank you very muchly! I suppose it would raise an eyebrow if they asked what you were laughing at and you replied “An exploding nappy.”? I’m pleased it shared a giggle for your train journey though. 😘 x

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