A few weeks ago I read a brilliant post by Hello Archie “When Poo Gets The Best Of You”, and Oh how I did nod and chuckle to my smug little self.
Yeah well, Karma is a b!tch…
…What are you up to? I cautiously shout.
Whilst wrestling my battered old make up bag out.
The boy hears this rustle and comes bounding in,
Climbs onto the duvet to rummage within.
But hang on a moment… I pause, squint and frown.
What the hell is that?
… and why is it brown?
A few possibilities swim round my head,
The last of them being: He’s shat on my bed!
I freeze for a minute and blink once or twice,
Wracking my brain for some form of advice.
Then hoist the young poop machine into the air,
Whilst trying to avoid getting turd everywhere.
He’s plonked in the bath. Right.
Okay then.
What now?
I use my right elbow to sweep hair from brow.
The boy is disgruntled, his patience worn thin.
With no one to help me.
I just get stuck in.
Down come the trousers and up goes his top.
The tot disapproves with a huge screeching strop.
Despite being careful it’s now in his hair,
And all down his legs with great artistic flair.
“OK to the shower!” I hysterically laugh,
Whilst leaving both PJs and poo in the bath.
I shout for some wipes to help tame all the sh1t.
… Miss Tot wanders in with a nail grooming kit?
Lord Poo Pants protests as I shower him down,
Hosing away any traces of brown.
Then he’s wrapped in a towel as my blood pressure calms.
Despite all the screaming and flailing of arms.
“I’ll just get a wipe!” I can hear Miss Tot cry.
“DON’T TOUCH IT! I’ll sort it as soon as he’s dry!”
“But Mummy he’s done some on Mummy’s bed too!”
*pause while this sinks in*
“I know it’s on my bed.
…Why did you say TOO!?”
I regain composure and put the boy down.
Then nervously seek out Miss Tot with a frown.
“WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS THIS CRAP-SCENE FROM HELL?”
There’s poo on her bed and 3 teddies as well.
So just to be sure and prevent any doubt,
I check The Boy’s bedroom.
Then try not to shout.
“THERE’S POO ON THE CARPET!” I frantically howl.
We have sh1t on 3 duvets, the bath and a towel.
The shower’s a grizzly chaotic scene,
3 teddies have seen things they shouldn’t have seen!
I’m somewhat perturbed and I find it quite strange,
That an infant of 2 has such impressive range!?
He grins with great pride. He was really on form,
To rustle up such a fantastic sh1t storm!
And just if this wasn’t enough of a state.
It’s nursery day – and we’re now running late.
I still have two offspring that need to be fed,
So down to the kitchen they’re hustled and led.
Two cereal bowls are haphazardly served,
While I dash back to clean… leaving both unobserved.
*face palm*
My hand hasn’t quite reached the shower room door,
When the big one shouts up “All his food’s on the floor!”
I race back downstairs – What the bugger is this?
You have got to be kidding or taking the p1ss!?
Not quite yet fulfilled, bless his cute sh1tty pants.
He’s krispied my kitchen.
You know – just for bants’.
…I do not have favourites, as none of us do.
But today little sunshine – today – it’s not you!
I’ve written today off as traumatic farce ,
The incredible antics of Lord sh1tty arse.
But we each shall have days where the sh1t hits the fan,
So we just have to wipe it the best that we can!
************
Kaye lovely – thank you for the inspiration for this rhyme and for passing on the poo baton. Today I am proud to say that the “Poo most definitely got the best of me!”
Dx
This post was featured over on the brilliant You Have To Laugh Blog. Click the badge for some serious parenting giggles!
It was also featured by the lovely Muma at Muma On The Edge as the debut post for her #blogloving #BestOfTheRest series!
*blows kiss to Muma*
This is fantastic! I’m in st constantly amused by your rhyming. Never a bum line. (Pun definitely intended!)
Kimberly x
Haha thank you Kimberly! Although the inspiration behind it definitely felt like a bit of a bum deal! ? Thanks for your lovely comment xx
Dawn I am in hysterics – I know I shouldn’t be but this is absolutely brilliant! They do like to test us don’t they!!! xxx #MarvMondays
Always happy to share a giggle (even if I am scrubbing poo off the carpet at the same time!) Thank you lovely xx ?
This had me in stitches although I expect it was anything but funny at the time!! Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays
I think I did manage an occasional giggle throughout the ordeal – although I think it was mild hysteria? Thanks for hosting xx
Beautiful! I’m not laughing, if I do, The Girl will have a poo monster afternoon! #marvmondays
Haha yep – I believe the poo baton shall be passed on to all those who laugh! 😉 Thanks Donna x
Oh gosh that is hilarious!!! I totally know how this feels. Aaaw those poor teddies. You are so brilliant at writing! How do you do it?? It’s amazing. #BigPinkLink
Aw thanks so much Lucy! The teddies may need therapy I fear! Me too in fact – possibly in wine form. Thank you for your lovely comment xx
This is brilliant! Although I’m sure it most certainly want at the time, that sounds like one MEGA poo storm! #bigpinklink
I have never experienced a storm quite like it. We’re talking “get in the bath with a mattress over the top” storm rating. (Although probably not the bath. That’s where the pooped upon pjs were! ?) Thanks Louise! Xx
Not a code brown!!! This is where you tag in the significant other and run away as fast as you can!!!! #bigpinklink
I so would have but he was out at work. Bloody inconsiderate I know. 😉 x
I am sorry to laugh at your expense but this is totally hilarious. Your are a genius!!! #DreamTeam
Haha thank you Catie! Much blogger love back at you xx
Aw, ‘bless his cute shitty pants’ brilliant! You always are. Alison x #DreamTeam
It’d becoming a phrase that I use regularly. 😉 Thank you lovely ? x
Ok so usually I may chuckle at things that I read, however you have just made me spit my breakfast out over my laptop! I’m sorry I have laughed that hard at your misfortune but I promise I couldn’t help it! I hope for your sanity that was the end of the story.
#DreamTeam
Oops – well sorry for the breakfast / laptop incident and erm for passing on the poop baton apparently? Hope you recovered from your traumatic afternoon – and thank you! ?? x
Oh dear – now THAT’S a poomageddon. My daughter pooed through three pairs of tights the other day and I thought that was bad, but your story wins, hands down. #DreamTeam
3 pairs? That’s impressive! Would a high five be inappropriate? Thank you hon x
I laughed so hard at this! So loudly I made the dog jump!! 😀 It’s brilliant but oh my gosh do I feel for you! It is NOT nice at all! Thanks for linking up with the #bigpinklink
It was hideous Lou – but I have to admit even I can laugh about it now (many bottles of detol later!) 😉 Thanks lovely x
That was a real laugh out louder, I don’t know how you deliver these stories in poem form like a pro. Loved – I’m somewhat perturbed and I find it quite strange,
That an infant of 2 has such impressive range!? And the teddies! Nothing sticks to fur quite like sh1t!! #chucklemums
One of the teddies – a cute pink stripey kitten with giant sparkly eyes – got it in the face. I can no longer look it in the giant sparkly eye. ? Thank you lovely. Very much blogger love back at you! X
Ha ha I really enjoyed this! Shits AND giggles, what more could I ask for?!
#chucklemums
Lots and lots of shits. Bit of a delay on the giggles for me but I’m just about there with it now 😉 Thanks for having me at #chucklemums x
Love this!!!! Well done for surviving! I’m literally in stitches… X #bestandworst
Thank you. Always happy to share my poo stories. *sobs* ? x
Just brilliant and took me back to hairier times with my own little ones. It really did feel like this at times with 6.b#BestWorst
You mean the poo does actually stop at some point? I just can’t see past it at the moment! ? Thanks Fiona xx
Holy moly what a poop monster!! How?? How did it reach so far! I bet you thought you would find it in your kitchen drawer after all that! Hilarious and thanks for sharing with #bestandworst
I was very cautious when I opened the microwave I can tell you! ? Thanks hon xx
Oh my goodness, this is hilarious! Something we’ve all been through, but poonami’s are definitely worse the older they get. I hope it wasn’t too traumatic for you #coolmumclub
I thought we’d got passed the poonami stage?? How wrong was I? Thanks for popping by hon xx
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh you poor thing. Well, at least you can laugh at it, kind of – if nothing else it was great inspiration for a very funny rhyme 🙂 #coolmumclub
I think it’s kind of a hysterical laugh but still a laugh all the same! ? Thanks hon xx
Oh nooo! We never had any major shit storms (thanks be) but he makes up for it with plenty of shitfits! This is so funny, I’m not sure I could have laughed! #chucklemums
Thanks lovely! *swiftly stealing “shitfits” and embedding into own vocabulary* ? x
Another brilliant post as always! Wetting myself (or should I see poo-ing myself eek!) with laughter reading this. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x
Eek indeed haha. Thank you for hosting Talya! ?
I’m sorry, I do feel for you, but right now I can’t help laughing ? I really hope karma doesn’t come back to bite me! At least you can bring this poem out at his 18th and/or his wedding x
#DreamTeam
Ooh yeah I hadn’t thought of that? I might casually leave it lying around when he brings his first girlfriend home… ? Thanks Alana! X
Actually crying with laughter! And read out loud to the hubs which is always confirmation of a gold standard post 😉
If t wasn’t so brown it’d be pure gold xx
Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub
Haha thank you lovely! Cheers to you and your hubs! Ooh and see you tomorrow! *excited face* xx
Oh this made me chuckle so much, thank you for sharing your poo fest with us. As a mum to a 13 year old and an 11 year old, I feel my smugness won’t turn around and bite me on the bum. One of the funniest posts I’ve read for a while 🙂 #bestandworst x
A ha! So you mean they do eventually grow out of it? I feel like I have been wiping poo for all of my life at this point! ? Thanks hon xx
OMG PERFECT! THIS HAPPENS TO US SOOOOOO MUCH! LOL #MOMSTERLINK
Phew! Good to know I’m not on my own then. Thank you hon x
Oh god I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!! That sounds utterly hideous!! I’m glad you can laugh about it now! #momsterslink
I can definitely laugh now. (After several wash cycles) ? Thanks Laura xx
so freaking funny- cause it is not me…for ONCE
#momsterlink
It’s always much funnier when someone else has to do the wiping! ? Thanks lovely x
Dropping back in with #momsterslink
Thank you lovely ?
Dawn you are so funny! I have been laughing my head off here, but know that sh!t capers are really the worst. I can’t imagine what Miss Tot thought of all this. Thanks so much for sharing with the #DreamTeam xx
She was relatively unphased by it all to be honest, but I think he crossed a line when the poop hit the teddies! ? Thank you lovely 🙂 xx
Oh that brought back memories of my youngest when he was a toddler and the few times I’ve had to put him right in the tub after a poop explosion, LOL! #momsterlink
Sometimes the world of baby wipes just still isn’t enough haha. Thank you hon xx
Brilliant. A thoroughly enjoyable read!!!
Thank you Patricia ?
Your poems always move me. I thought this may have been political just by reading the title. You’ve got me laughing. #bestandworst
I’ve yet to broach anything political lovely. Poop is more on my level haha. Thanks Helena xx
I wish I could tell you it gets better as they get older but nope. My 5 year old has some strange thing where she wipes her butt then throws the toilet paper in the trash or occasionally just on the FLOOR! And she refuses to flush her poo! Drives me crazy! My 6 year old has to strip completely naked for fear he will get poop on his clothes and, like his father, spends 30 minutes in the bathroom pooping! Like what in the name of poo are they doing in there. But my 4 year old well she’s better than all of them…she wipes, flushes, washes her hands without being reminded, she puts her clothes in the hamper ALWAYS, keeps her room tidy and she’s 4! What happened to the two older ones??? I blame their father ? Thanks for the chuckle as always and for linking with #momsterslink ;))
Seriously what do they do in there? My eldest needed a number 2 when we were out with family last year and my mum offered to take her while I dealt with The Boy. 25 minutes later we thought they’d got lost but no. Miss Tot was just sat swinging her legs singing songs to Nanny whilst doing her thing and Nanny was too polite to do anything but stand around and wait haha. Thanks for hosting hon xx
I’m reading this having already showered Little B down for the same reason and mopped up liquid poo from the bathroom floor – and it’s not even 9.39 on Sunday morning… #marvmondays
Ugggh. Sunday mornings are just not what they used to be are they? What happened to bacon sandwiches and coffee? Now it’s poo and a mop. ? ? xx
Oh Dawn I loved this. I have had many many days like these. I believe the saying is FML. #chucklemums
I often say that very thing. To myself. Often with a mouthful of biscuits and my head in the fridge. Thanks for hosting hon! X
Ha ha! Enjoyed reading! I remember days like this well. Now it’s only occasional with the grandchildren. x
I’m beginning to realise that days like this one are likely to be burned onto my memory for all eternity haha. At least you can just hand the grandchildren back with a big bag of washing? Possibly a bill for new carpets? 😉 Thank you for Laurie. x
LMAO! i love it. I can’t say I miss those days in parenting, but I can say your sense of humor will get you through it. Awesome blog. Found you via #momsterslink and will definitely be back. 🙂
Thanks for popping by – I will come and find you too when I hook up to #momsterslink tonight! I guess it helps to find the humour / blog fodder in amongst the brown stuff! Thank you :0) x
Hilarious! You are so good at writing. I’m sat on the train trying to hide the giggles and crying with laughter tears! Thank you.
Ah thank you very muchly! I suppose it would raise an eyebrow if they asked what you were laughing at and you replied “An exploding nappy.”? I’m pleased it shared a giggle for your train journey though. ? x