Humour · Poem · Rhyme

Dear Spiders. F*ck Off!

Yep. Those who pop by frequently might have to read that twice.
My previous blog posts have all been fluffy and quite nice?

A little out of character, but said with no regrets.
It’s just that each October I appear to have Tourettes.

All cosy in the evening I’ll be sitting peacefully,
When suddenly I’m up and shrieking “B*LLOCKS! SH*T! F*CK ME!!”

A world full of arachnids lurk and wait for me all stealth.
Each Hell bent on a mission to f*ck up my mental health.

I see them all accumulate around each gate and door,
And now and then a cocky b*stard struts across my floor.

I bought a spider grabber but the stupid beasts are thick!
Confused by all the bristles they just scuttle up the stick!

And so my new objective is DESTROY instead of catch.
I’m fully locked and loaded with some hairspray and a match…**

And when I find the tw*tting thing I’ve worked out what to do,
I’ll pounce just like a ninja and I’ll stroke it with my shoe.

I’ll run about in circles, mad and shuddery and wild…
… Then rush to gain composure as I turn to face my child!

#Sh*t

A momentary *face palm* as I realise I’ve been spied.
Then take the squished up spider bits to be “released” outside!

“It’s just a little spider kids” I mumble with a cough.
My face appears serene whilst thinking “SPIDERS!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! F*CK OFF!!!”

I tend to spend October with my heart rate rather high,
Alert for things that scuttle in the corner of my eye.

There’s just no respite to be found, in this, my month of need,
I snuggle into bed and rummage through my Facebook feed,

When scrolling with my finger I am taken by surprise!
Am image of some hairy 8 legged f*cker hits my eyes!

A photo of some creepy beast, so close I see each hair.
Posted by some kindly friend who thought they’d like to share?

Yeah thanks for that you b*stards!
Such a thoughtful thing to do!
Stop taking f*cking pictures and just HIT IT WITH A SHOE!

“House spiders cannot hurt you.” People nonchalantly scoff.
It’s kind of you to say so, but you too can please f*ck off!

They maybe don’t wield weapons but they bloody hurt my brain,
And use their many creepy legs to drive me half insane.

So just for these few weeks please do excuse my frenzied rage,
And multiple profanities that lurk within this page.

Once spider season’s over all goodwill shall be resumed.
Unless you’ve got 8 legs.
In which case:

Please F*ck Off! You’re doomed!

**I don’t actually do this.  Don’t ever do this.   Not ever.

Image shows a big piece of cheesecake.
No spider pictures on here my friends. You’re welcome! :0)
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79 thoughts on “Dear Spiders. F*ck Off!

  1. Do you know I NEARLY didn’t open this post after it dropping into my mailbox as I was concerned there may be a picture of a spider!! I love your new potty mouthed side and I am totally with you. I am normally too scared to go near enough to them to either kill or catch them which is kind of a nightmare if I’m home alone. I have resorted to trying to trap them in a big pot that I kind of throw towards them then leaving them there until somebody else comes πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Somebody told me putting conkers by your doors can stop them coming in? Anything is worth a go, right? and I bet your tots will collect some for you!
    Ellen recently posted…Sunshine Blogger AwardMy Profile

    1. I hate them hate them hate them. If Daddy Pig is home he gets deployed to deal with them, but he’s a “faffer” and spends too long looking for implements to catch it. In the meantime the beast has usually scuttled into hiding and so we generally have to move house. It’s the only solution. I’m going out this afternoon to a forest. There might be conkers! I shall look! (Although would this mean that technically woods with conkers in should be spider free? Erm. I spot a flaw in this plan…) Still. Worth a shot! πŸ˜‰ Happy spider season. Hope you get through it unscathed xx

  2. Your post couldn’t be anymore relevant to me today. A big lanky one turned up this morning. Feeling morally godlike I caught it under a glass, let Sam look at the “pider”… opened the window…. lifted the edge of the glass… and accidentally decapitated the bloody thing! So I pretended it was still alive and said “bye bye Mr Spider have a nice day” Sam is still sat waving at it crumpled up on the patio! πŸ™ˆ Fab rhyme as always, you are super talented! Xx

  3. I’ve never been a spider hater until this summer, when one of those eigh legged beasts crawled up my pants leg and bit me. It swelled up, blistered, and I thought I had the flu! I havd to take antibiotics for 1 month! You need a friend in this time of need? I’m your gal! #BigPinkLink
    Lisa Pomerantz recently posted…Bedtime, in 4 hours or lessMy Profile

    1. I do I do! Thank you. I shall take strength from your tale of courage and survival. I mean at least the ones I’m likely to bump into don’t bite? Your a true hero and an inspiration! Sending cake (and a big heavy shoe for next time). xx

    1. Thanks Michelle! A couple of people have mentioned conkers. I’m a bit dubious as they come from woods – where all the spiders are kept haha. It’s definitely worth a shot though! I hadn’t really heard of it before now and I’ll be overjoyed if it works! x

    1. Morning Debbie! Aw thank you for popping by. They are pretty good for the big ones that you can’t otherwise get to (with a shoe), but I still can’t bring myself to faff with them so in most cases Daddy Pig is summoned. I like to know it’s there though for when I’m home alone! Thank you for sharing your gorgeous baby turtles post. It’s the perfect antidote to all things spider! xx

  4. I had to report in from over here at #chucklmums. Apparently at the school clean up this past weekend, a spider crawled up my pants leg and but me 8 times, at least. I am horrified and headed to the showers again, at even just the typing of this note! Argh…. #chucklemums xoxo
    Lisa Pomerantz recently posted…She Loves Herself -Meret BoxlerMy Profile

  5. Oh my GOD!! Amazing!! I think this might be your finest one ever?!!! Because, I hate those hairy toss pieces too, and you know me, I’m quite fond of all the swears, one of my favourite forms of self expression!! I’ve tried, but unfortunately failed, to keep my fear of spiders hidden from the children. Now, when my eldest sees one, he screams ‘MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY!!!’ Like he’s being murdered, but when I ask what’s wrong, he very nonchalantly says ‘oh, it’s just a spider, but you’re scared, so I thought I should let you know quickly…’ I’m sure it won’t be long until they’re both terrified…!
    #bigpinklink
    This Mum’s Life recently posted…The Big Pink Link Week 34My Profile

    1. Aw bless your little man! Your very own spider alarm! I’m thrilled that my two don’t seem to have picked it up from me just yet. In fact I seem to have the opposite issue. Miss Tot has been known to pass me one as a surprise gift. #poopedmypants #calmface #screamedinmyhead Thanks for your fabulous hostessing geniusness! πŸ™‚ x

  6. I did have to read your poem title twice because you’re not renowned for all the swears by a long chalk. A thoroughly entertaining poem, loved it and all your rhyming of swearage too! I personally can’t stand a Daddy Long legs- especially a crazed one that looks like it’s a contestant on strictly in a confined space like the bathroom…arrrgh. Not to keen on a meatier house/garden spider either, the husband has to dispose of those *swears* buggers! x #chucklemums

    1. Ah now you see I can deal with the Daddy long legs. In fact I generally have to as Daddy Pig is less than keen. I was told they are actually the most poisonous creature on earth – but just have no method with which to deliver the venom into their victims. Kind of a vital flaw really? I feel a bit sorry for them now. Like a dastardly villain that just isn’t quite clever enough to pull off the crime? Thanks for your comment! X

  7. I hate spiders. When my daughter was a baby a spider ran across her cheek whilst she was on the playmat. I realised my maternal instinct hadn’t quite kicked in when lunged at her then ran screaming. #chucklemums

  8. Ah you know me, I love a liberally sprinking of swears! This was my favourite verse:
    “All cosy in the evening I’ll be sitting peacefully,
    When suddenly and I’m up and shrieking β€œB*LLOCKS! SH*T! F*CK ME!!””

    Fabulous use of expletives.

    #chucklemums
    Beta Mummy recently posted…Run, Beta Mummy, Run!My Profile

    1. Who knew that swear words can be rhymed too? It’s opened up a world of opportunity for me haha. Ooh and thanks for the quote – it alerted me to a rogue ‘and’ which I’d missed! πŸ˜‰ Not only an awesome host but a very clever editor too! Thanks hon – and thanks for hosting #chucklemums x

    1. On your shoulder?? Bugger me – that would have been the end of me. I mean at least if there’s one on your leg you can like rip it off or something but on your shoulder??? *silent scream* Sending wine. Lots and lots of wine xx

  9. Oh Dawn I like this darker side of yours πŸ˜‰
    I have a major 8 legged related problem at the moment…about a month ago I took a bag of wine bottles (erm, and jam jars of course) to the tip, and spotted a TARANTULA fall off the bag and disappear into the boot! It’s been a stressful month given we only have one car! Needless to say I’m suddenly very ‘carbon conscious’ walking everywhere I can, and on the case for an upgrade x
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub!
    MMT recently posted…#coolmumclub Linky week 40My Profile

    1. Oh Dear Lord! A spider loose in the car?? Ok. So I’m going to help by saying that cars have loads of vents and things so it will definitely have crawled out and be long gone by now. Either that or it will have crawled onto your engine and combusted in a little poof of spidery smoke. Ooh yeah that one. I like that one! πŸ˜‚ #sellthecar #orgiveitaway Thanks for hosting! Xx

  10. Hahaha brilliant. I hate spiders! I was really worried about opening the post in case it had a picture of one. My brother once bought me a spider catcher and for some reason, the people who made it though it would be good to include a plastic spider with it. Surely the reason anyone buys a spider catcher is because they hate spiders!!! I promptly screamed and through the package across the room! Hubby disposed of the plastic spider in the bin. But about an hour later (once I’d calmed down) I went to put something in the bin and screamed again, having forgotten it was in there. #CoolMumClub
    Lucy At Home recently posted…The Voluntary Baby Group LeaderMy Profile

    1. I think I may have bought the exact same spider catcher!! I’d forgotten about that little delight until you said. Yep – how considerate of them to send a pretend one for us to practice with! I was actually really adept at catching the plastic one. That didn’t move. The first actual one that I went for just laughed at me and scuttled up the stick so I resorted to using it to bash it repeatedly over the head Instead. That did it! It is pretty good for catching daddy long legs though if nothing else. Thanks for reading Lucy x

  11. Stupid spider season! Our flat is full of them at the moment, and my cat is not the least bit interested in hunting them. You’d think he’d be happy to have something living to chase down, but no. He lets them crawl around and surprise me in the shower. Thanks for nothing, cat. #coolmumclub
    Squirmy Popple recently posted…Why mums deserve #WorkThatWorksMy Profile

    1. Ugh how rude? To be fair our cat seems to be pretty good at dealing with them now as I don’t see many live ones in the house but have come across a couple of battle torn spider corpses. *fist pump* She hasn’t always been like this though. I once remember her bringing in a giant, live one through the cat flap to play with in the kitchen. So not impressed. She then went on to fetch other presents instead including a bird feeder and my personal favourite – a big slice of spam. Yup. Champion hunter my cat. πŸ˜‚ x

  12. I loved this post so much! I am suffering an arachnid invasion myself here in WA state, the rain drives them to search out the indoors and I spend months trying not to cry and pull a blowtorch on the ugly little bastards.

    Thanks for linking up with #momsterslink and I hope I’m doing justice as the guest host!
    Heather Keet recently posted…Momsterslink ~ October 6, 2016My Profile

  13. aahaha this is fantastic! I loathe spiders with a passion, Husband always tries to release them, if he’s not looking I just squash the f*&$ers! x #momsterlink

    1. Why do they feel the need to do that?? Why release it outside just so that it can scuttle back in when it fancies? I *might* have been known to follow the hubby outside with his captor and then stamp on it once he isn’t looking. Not coming back in now you little freakish beast are ya? Nope! (Sorry. I genuinely am quite a nice person under usual circumstances 😳 It’s just because spiders!!! πŸ˜‚) Thank you xx

  14. Haha this sounds like something my husband should have written! He HATES spiders with a passion, he actually wakes me up some nights if he sees one in the bathroom and I have to remove it for him! I don’t mind them to be honest, I hate squashing them, I go mad at the kids if they do, and always rescue them and put them safely outside. Sorry!! Haha! #momsterslink
    five little doves recently posted…Pregnancy & Baby loss awareness month. #captureyourgriefMy Profile

    1. Can I have your number please? I need a list of people to call if I find one in my bathroom. At least your hubby only wakes you – I would be inclined to wake the entire street and order an evacuation! I have no objection at all to them not being squashed, just as long as they’re not squashed at your house and not being not squashed within a 50 mile radius of mine! πŸ˜‚ Thank you lovely Laura xx

  15. Spiders really creep me out so much. Though I’m not afraid of house spiders but my 9 year old is terrified of them. If he sees one I end up with a bed partner for a week! LOL! He will literally not go in whatever room that spider was in for a week. One time a spider was hanging over his computer… Yeah, a whole week went by without that thing getting turned on once. The upside to that was it saved on my electric bill, LOL! Popping over from #momsterlink
    Michelle recently posted…It’s All About Writing: What I’ve Been Up To LatelyMy Profile

    1. Just the one week? He did well! I would have probably thrown the computer out of the window. Probably a good job that he has you to help him out with it, and that my two seem ok so far. I’d be useless if one of them climbed into my bed having seen a spider. We’d all be assembled on the front lawn not daring to go back in the house haha. Thanks Michelle xx

  16. Oh I love this! I only had a huge freak out this morning over a spider. I went into the bathroom to put the shower on and there in the bathroom was a HUGE 8 legged fella waiting to pounce. I screamed. Youngest who is three came in to find my trying to act brave aka quaking and sobbing in the corner and told me “oh mummy that is nothing! He is tiny” That’s me told. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics
    Emma recently posted…Fancy Dress Costumes For Kids From Pretend To BeeMy Profile

    1. So you mean you have raised a genuine spider hunter upon whom you can call night or day?? Finally a little bit of payback for all of the contractions! High five to your little hero! If only my two were so obliging. They would be more likely to find one and put it in my pocket as a “gift”! Thanks for hosting πŸ™‚ x

  17. Oh no! I used to have a terrible fear of spiders and once called my mum at work to tell her I had one in my flat. I’m not sure what I thought she could do about it. I was living in Japan at the time. #fridayfrolics

  18. Haha, this made me laugh out loud. You write so well! I can completely relate to your spider fear – little spiders are tolerable, but recently I’ve seen some massive ones and they scare the life out of me. My little girl has a fascination with them though, and because I’ve taken less terrifying insects outside to be ‘freed’ before, she expects me to do the same with huge spiders! It’s quite a predicament…. #momsterlink

    1. I know exactly what you mean. I can pretty much cope with the little ones (unless they go all scuttley which is not to be tolerated!) It’s the big beasty house spiders that send me over the edge. I just can’t cope and turn into an instant jibbering wreck! πŸ˜‰ Wishing you a spider free autumn. Thanks lovely! 😘 x

  19. Love it! I hate them! They must die – I will not have them released and coming back! I just tell silly sods going on about them not harming you that it is completely normal and reasonable to fear them – the way they move is so alien to us that it should feel abhorrent. So clearly people who aren’t bothered are the weirdos, not us!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time.
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Friday Frolics – 7th October 2016My Profile

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