family · Humour · Motherhood · Parenting · Rhyme · Toddler

Eating out – Toddler style…

Β I’d love to eat out like a toddler.

I’d find it incredibly fun.

To rock up in some fancy restaurant,

And act like I’m aged about one.

So first I’d object to the seating.

“I shan’t sit in that my dear friend!”

I shall thwart your attempts to persuade me,

By flat out refusing to bend.

And then I shall grab for the menus.

A knife and whatever I can.

‘Til my table is cleared of obstructions,

And my foodspace is empty – Good plan!

My meal shall be duly presented,

I shall cautiously give it the eye,

Then loudly announce “It is Yucky!”

Without even having a try.

I’ll reach out with one grubby finger

And poke it to see if it’s dead.

Then pick up my fork and lean over,

And pinch someone else’s instead.

My chips shall be sauce applicators,

For shovelling ketchup at pace,

I’ll guzzle down half of the bottle,

Then rub the rest into my face.

I’ll carefully pick every pea up,

And launch every one on the floor,

Then point at the ground in frustration,

And whinge until given some more.

But if I’m not keen on the green bits,

I’ll blow raspberries and spit them all out,

And watch as my audience stifles a grin,

and one of them tries not to shout.

I’ll pick up a gravy soaked sausage,

and place it with love in my hair,

Then grin at the (silent) next table,

Whilst I try to escape from my chair.

I’ll just bide my time until ice cream,

Then frantically bash with my spoon,

And shovel it in with distinct lack of grace,

Shouting “Om Nom Nom Nom!!” like a loon.

There shall not be time for a coffee.

I’ll want to immediately leave.

Waiting for bills is just boring,

I shall freak like you wouldn’t believe.

And as we abandon the restaurant,

(For which someone else had to pay),

They’ll get home all stuffed stressed and grumpy….

… “Mummy I hungry!” I’ll say! :0)

*swear word*


Linking up with:

Rhyming with Wine
Pink Pear Bear
3 Little Buttons
Domesticated Momster

98 thoughts on “Eating out – Toddler style…

  1. Oh yes! Definitely feel your pain with this one. Sometimes I wonder if mealtimes-especially in restaurants-are just an elaborate form of torture for them, me and, most of all, the other diners!

  2. Love it! Yes, this… Especially the rushing to leave bit while the world implodes for your toddler because he is WAITING and he is TIRED!!!

    Brilliant and clever, thank you for the read 😊

    1. We actually dares to go out for breakfast this morning. It was a lot like this. Only worse. Much worse. In fact “one of us stands outside holding the baby while the other one shoves food into their face and then swaps” worse. Never again! Good to know I’m not alone though. Thanks Holly x

  3. My pre-twins self would hate it
    If some snotbag ruined my meal
    I didn’t take the time to think
    How the parents must feel

    How eating out’s a rarity
    How they thought they’d judged it right
    How they thought their kid was ready
    To eat nice and sit tight

    How sometimes they just need to leave
    The house, or they’ll go crazy
    They thought it’d be nice to eat out;
    They weren’t just being lazy

    They see other parents dining with
    Their children, oh so calm
    They thought a nice meal out
    Wouldn’t do any harm

    “How else will they learn to socialise?”
    Their friends advise
    And you know, they were right
    But a word to the wise:

    Learning to be sociable
    When going out to eat
    Is a gradual process
    And no mean feat

    Sometimes you’ll get the time wrong
    So the kid is grouchy and tired
    Sometimes they’ll misbehave
    Because they’re totally wired

    To my single pre-twins self:
    Trust me; the parents are stressed
    But they didn’t mean to ruin your meal
    And they really are trying their best*

    *this, of course, does not apply to all parents, but I’m feeling generous today lol

    1. You’ve done it again!! I absolutely love your amazing rhyming comments. I’ve said it before but if only I could share a comment!? You know I’d love to feature you in a guest post if ever you fancy… or I might just do a compilation of your brilliant comments as a post one day… Thank you so much for the time and effort that you’ve spent. Made my day! πŸ™‚ x

  4. Ahaha I love it! You really are a genius. I’ve got all this to come, at the moment I can usually get away with lunches out (although today I am sneaking off for one ALONE!!!!) especially now he’s in the sitting up part of his buggy so I just throw copious toys at him. We’ve just started weaning though so I guess I’m going to have to actually feed him next time…damn. #fartglitter
    Ellen recently posted…7 pairs of trousers & not 1 pair fits: the realities of a post-pregnancy bodyMy Profile

    1. Ah well early weaning is easy. You get a few months where they’re ultra excited just to have food. You can just pack a wheelbarrow full of nibbles and they’ll be occupied for hours. I find its once they figure out how to stuff it all down in 4 minutes. From this point they want to be off! It’s fun! πŸ™‚ Thanks Ellen x

    1. Yep me too. Is it wrong that I get all huffy at the restaurant and feel like I shouldn’t be charged if I have to abandon? Logically I know it’s not their fault but I NEED to blame someone! It’s just so unfair! πŸ˜‰ Thanks Mrs T x

  5. Oh I’ve been here many times- did make me giggle! I’ll never forget one of mine trying a sprout for the first time (one of the few veg we don’t like so she hadn’t had at home) and she spat it out with such force that it landed in a dinner on another table!! I have never been more embarrassed- luckily they saw the funny side!! xx #bigpinklink
    Sonia recently posted…Should Kids Be Allowed To Lose?My Profile

  6. haha things are just getting better with our daughter eating out – she is quite good with Pizza, spag bol and fish and veggies so we hope for something. Plus the ice-cream is such good bribery!!! Great post and so true. Thanks for hosting xx
    Sarah Howe recently posted…Life Before KidsMy Profile

    1. I wish my two would be so obliging. They won’t even eat pizza? Fish and veg will only be tolerated at home and not in public. We have bought so many kids meals which get left untouched it’s crazy. I keep hoping that they’ll get better as they get older *sobs* πŸ˜‰ xx

  7. Ah yes, the life of a toddler must be bliss! The behaviour of the toddler always seems to by inversely proportional to the swankiness of the restaurant, haha. #fartglitter

  8. This exactly explains our most recent lunch out, except monster ate nearly a full adults portion of pasta before climbing put his high chair by himself (yes I sat there and watched, as I didn’t think he could – arms ready to catch of course!). He then proceeded to run into a head height table and screamed blue murder until the ice cream arrived! Love it. #fartglitter
    Jasmine recently posted…Bog off anxiety!My Profile

  9. Truly brilliant and every word so true pretty sure I have been there once or twice lol thanks for hosting #fartglitter

  10. Aaaaaaand, you’ve nailed it again!!!!! You must’ve been watching closely every time I take the children out to a restaurant? Because this is EXACTLY how it goes down, every, single, time!!!!!!! Brilliant, brilliantly accurate, and so witty! It’s the announcement of hunger as soon as they walk in the door… The torrent of swear words that rise in my throat is getting harder and harder to contain!!

    1. I hear you. We had such a horrific experience eating out this weekend that the hubby actually referred to the littlest one (who was clearly rabid on this particular day) as an “A-hole.” (Not to him I’ll just add, but to me, about him). He had no recollection of it afterwards until I reminded him at which point he was mortified and pleaded temporary stress induced insanity. Happens to us all! πŸ˜‰ Thanks lovely x

  11. Ha! This sounds like fun to be honest, there’s a gap in the market for restaurants where adults can go and behave like this! I do feel your pain though, having sat through many meals with my nieces and nephews, I just hope I have more patience with it when it’s my own child! #FartGlitter
    From Day Dot recently posted…The Week That Was… The Avocado!My Profile

    1. That’s actually what inspired this one. The little man was being particularly vocal whilst eating a yogurt and The Hubby spouted “Yes we all feel like that about yogurts, but we don’t shout about it!” Thank you Laura x

  12. We parents are full of hope aren’t we, hoping/ assuming/praying the next meal at a restaurant will be a better experience… we never learn!!!

    (Though off late, plenty of cars and ultimately the tablet does keep Little Man content enough for us to eat in (relative) peace!)

    Brilliant one!

  13. Hahaha, so true! This is why we got so much take out when our youngest was so small. And now, we let her much older brother watch her way more often than not, going out for icecream of something like that is easy but out to dinner is no fun!
    Allyson Greene recently posted…Bad Mommy: Birth ChoicesMy Profile

    1. I do think that restaurants need to start offering coffee to go just for fractious parents. Ooh and desert to go too? In fact just all three courses to go would probably be easier? *phones for a pizza*. πŸ˜‰ Thanks so much Becky x

  14. Brilliant – what is it with kids and ketchup?! I made the mistake of ordering bangers and mash once for my son, he was so awful when it got there and lobbed a sausage at the table next door… We left shamefacedly 5 minutes later and he still hates sausages now! Love your posts they always make me chuckle πŸ™‚ #fartglitter #bigpinklink

    1. I’m not even keen on the stuff but my two are besotted with the red stuff! You would think that bangers and mash would be a perfectly safe option wouldn’t you? They somehow create carnage with the most innocent of meals! Thanks lovely x

  15. yup thats a pretty accurate summary. We haven’t gone out to eat in a while. with 3 young ones aged 1, 3 and 5. it tends to be risky. Recently we took said kids to a Hotel for lunch and we ate in shifts while one rocked the baby, tried to restrain him, tried to stop him from eating all the sugar sachets or spilling the salt or smashing plates. Twas great fun.

    1. Ah yes. Sounds joyful. I think they need to build a soft play in each restaurant, and within it have a number of safe individual padded pods into which you just post your offspring and a selection of chicken nuggets (sorry – “goujons”). Add a squirt of red sauce and let them roll around safely in a fun, (preferably soundproof) environment while Mummy and Daddy eat their dinner in peace and watch through the squishy see through window. Next stop.. Dragon’s Den! πŸ˜‰ x

  16. I feel your pain … I remember going out with a bunch of mummy friends and their children and leaving the restaurant and feeling faintly ashamed of the mess we’d made of the place! There was food everywhere!
    Mrs Tubbs recently posted…One More Thing …My Profile

  17. Oh this is brilliant – you have just described the whole eating out process with little ones perfectly – right down to the peas on the floor and the gravy-covered sausage in the hair. Ice-cream always goes down very well though! πŸ™‚ #coolmumclub

  18. Ohh this all sounds far too familiar! Eating out when you have a toddler is just not fun at all. It is always a mission getting my boy into the highchair and then he point blank refuses to eat anything other than chips! Ahh!xx #coolmumclub

    1. Gah same here. You know you’re in for a battle when they refuse to bend and you’re having to wrestle their legs into the high chair! At least nearly all restaurants serve chips? Every cloud and all that? πŸ˜‰ xx

  19. Your poetry is always so clever! I can just imagine my little boy doing this- he sometimes pulls this routine already and that’s just in our kitchen at home! #momsterslink

    1. Ah sounds like he’s getting some practice in. Marvellous! Bet you can’t wait haha. Good luck. If all else fails ask them to box up some cake for you and eat it in the car on the way home. Makes it all worth it! πŸ˜‰ Thanks hun x

    1. It’s just torture! Lovely hot plate of food that you haven’t had to cook and you just have to watch it go cold whilst jiggling about a fractious toddler and offering them a rotating buffet of snacks in the hope that they’ll eat something just for long enough for you to chew some of your own. Bleughh. Thanks for reading though πŸ˜‰ xx

  20. It drives me crazy when my kids won’t eat what’s fed to them but then complain they’re STARVING! I swear one of these days I’m going to really not feed them for an entire day just so they know what hungry actually feels like and then make them eat what they hate the most. Bet they will gulp it down. Thanks for linking with #momsterslink. Always enjoy reading your posts!
    Trista, Domesticated Momster recently posted…Momsterslink ~ May 26, 2016My Profile

    1. Yeah I’ve been tempted to try that one too. It’s amazing how quickly my tots are “full” and shove their plates away but then gallop to the fridge looking for “wumthin else” Hmmmf! Good luck with that lovely! Thanks for hosting xx

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