September is birthday month for our two tots. They were both lucky enough to receive lots of amazing presents, and we had a fantastic time watching them excitedly open all of their shiny new toys *coughs*. So I thought it might be nice to dedicate a little poem about our experiences to the wonderful and very clever people that design toy packaging.
As most parents will probably know, it went a little bit like this:
So they run at the gifts and destroy all the wrap.
Then I peer in the boxes and mutter “Oh crap!”
The volume of packaging makes me quite scared.
As I thought that I’d got this?
A screwdriver, scissors, a bin-bag and knife,
A sizeable sacrificed chunk of my life.
But what sort of hell made of cardboard is this?
Is it some kind of test?
Are they taking the mickey?
A twenty piece toy set, each tied into place.
Hope drains from my soul as my palm hits my face.
Are these robust defences entirely required?
Have the toy store security staff all been fired?
Are the criminal masterminds prowling the shelves?
Seeking dinosaur footwear and pink plastic elves?
Still, I tug, yank and wrestle to do what I can.
With all of the weapons and tools known to man.
I wasn’t aware that I’d need a degree,
To get each of the plasticky buggers set free!?
My blood pressure soars as I pick up my pace.
“Cheered” on by the kids as they scream in my face.
It can hardly escape!?
It’s a plastic toy car!
It’s distinct lack of engine won’t let it get far!
I am up to my eyebrows in cardboard and wire,
Yelling “BURN ALL THE CABLE TIES! BURN THEM WITH FIRE!”
I frantically struggle, but not fast enough,
The tots are now bored and stalk off in a huff.
Each seeking out new entertainment instead,
One now demands raisins.
One climbs on my head.
With a huge burst of gusto I rip the toy free,
Then collapse with exhaustion and drop to one knee.
I tremble and shake as my hands slowly lift,
And I offer the anticipated new gift….
The toy has been snatched, so I pause to exhale.
“Mummy it’s broken!” I hear a tot wail.
A vacuous hole in the toy meets my eye,
So I cross all my fingers and pray to the sky:
With all of these batteries at least one must fit?
The label says 10 needed.
So the toy is discarded with nonchalant bliss.
As they grab for the next box.
“Here Mum – Open this…”
Dedicated with love and thanks to all of you toy manufacturers. Please feel free to pop by our house on Christmas morning this year. The kids would both be delighted to scream in your face whilst you leisurely unpack their gifts for them.