family · Gardening · Humour · Poem · Rhyme

Me vs The Garden

Stone dragon sat with arms crossed in defiant pose.
Me. Not gardening.


I have a strange talent, or so it would seem,

for sucking the life out of things that are green.

I’m not bad as Mother and alright at Wife,

but i’m not to be trusted with vegetable life.


My Mother In Law is an absolute dear, and buys me a plant almost every year,

Or baskets that hang saying “Give these a go…”

“… But it helps if you give them some water you know.”

So I try to remember – because she’s so nice, and I really do mean to uphold her advice,

As I know she must find it a bit of a cheek, that her gifts end up withered in less than a week.


A sleeping stone dragon curled up next to a fence.
Me. Still not gardening.


“Did you forget?”

She observes with a sigh,

As she pokes in the soil which is crispy and dry.

Or sometimes I’ve managed to drown them instead.

My poor Mum In Law is left shaking her head.


I slaughtered a cactus in less than six days, with my lack of green fingers and plant killing ways.

But this year my friends, it seems something has changed…

(My hubby suspects I’m a little deranged.)

But my Mother In Law has been plant free this time, not wanting to aid in my leaf killing crime,

Which means I’ve embraced all the plant wielding power!

So I set off to ASDA in search of a flower…

I sourced a selection of beautiful pots, and bought just a couple.

(Scratch that.  I bought LOTS!)

And a medley of green things, so little and cute!  All harmless and helpless each tiny green shoot.

I thought better of checking the labels for size.  Why bother with that?  I quite like a surprise!

So I bought them all home, to be saved from the wild,

To be planted and nurtured and loved like a child.

And believe it or not…

(I know – check me out Dude!!)

I remembered to water, and sometimes gave food!!

And now…

(OMG I’m too giddy to speak!)

*tries hard to stay calm and attempts not to squeak”

Picture of climbing sweet pea plant in full bloom and a wishing well with flowers

I’m the Mother Of Flowers!  Please bow to your knees,

and behold if you will, my majestic sweet peas!

The lovely Ms Dimmock has nothing on me, as I skip round my lawn (with my yabs swinging free)!

A large buddleia plant branches with purple flowers branches out of a small grey pot.


OK, Maybe this pot is a teensy bit small…

For a bloody great shrub that grows twenty feet tall?


But I personally feel I deserve a high five,

For just keeping the leafy green buggers alive!

The children are now used to hearing my rants of “Let’s play in the garden.”


All guests to my house shall be dragged by the wrist, as I point with excitement, “See this one! And this!”

I’m so proud of my green stuff, so please “Ooh” and “Aah”, and tell me how pretty my flower things are.

*shuffles and blushes*

Aw thank you my friend! :0)

Here comes the obligatory cheese at the end:

And so, could this Plant Champ I’ve somehow become,

Be entirely the product of being a mum?

Perhaps having two tiny tots of my own, two cute little sprouts that have flourished and grown,

Has allowed me to bloom into who I can be?

And to nurture and grow,

My own family tree.


A stone hanging heart ornament.

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103 thoughts on “Me vs The Garden

  1. Love love love. A brilliant post yet again from my very clever friend. I can also confirm your plants are very lovely. I shall now refer to you as Mrs Dimmock ? Gem x

  2. Well done on mastering plants! I’ve never tried to garden myself – we have a small area outside that’s crazy overgrown with plants, but I wouldn’t have the first clue about how to tackle it. I keep telling myself that I’ll get into it once we have a proper house with a proper garden. #fartglitter
    Squirmy Popple recently posted…Little girls aren’t princessesMy Profile

  3. Oh, I’m incapable of keeping any plants alive either but now we have moved to a new house with an enormous garden (comparatively to my old one), I’m determined to try to keep something alive! #fartglitter

  4. Woohoo! Well done. I’m awful with plants, its my dad that gets on at me! I’ve kept a lemon plant alive for almost a month now though – maybe I’m turning a corner? #fartglitter
    OddHogg recently posted…Eton MessMy Profile

  5. Writing as someone who is a bit scared of hanging baskets and the responsibility of gardening I’m really chuffed for you and your green fingered achievements. Your garden looks really proffesh! I wish I had those talents, my daughter adopted the basil that was *not flourishing* on our kitchen windowsill. Fabulous poem as always xx #fartglitter

    1. I have never yet had anything flourish in my charge before (well the kids seem to be doing ok but you know what I mean). I suspect the mother in law may be visiting at night and tending to them and stuff. Thanks hon 🙂 xx

  6. N’aw cute ending! Another fab poem I must say. I’ve genuinely debated buying fake flowers for the garden I’m so not green fingered!! #fartglitter
    Hannah (tuesdayschildblog) recently posted…30 ways I Sooth my BabyMy Profile

    1. It’s probably a one time thing ad I’ve recently learned that I’ll have to start all over again with them next year? Pffft? What’s that all about? 😉 Yes I agree. Someone us definitely digging them up and swapping them for deadish ones. They do it to me too! x

  7. I too used to be awful at keeping plant alive, which is shameful when my nan is a florist and she and my mum are very green fingered! I gave up in the end and moved to a flat so I didn’t have to bother. Since having a baby, I miss having some green space so when we eventually buy a house, I am determined to grow a little green sanctuary #fartglitter
    Abi recently posted…Baby Got Back…and Moved!My Profile

  8. aww sweet peas remind me of my childhood; they smell amazing and so lovely to pick! Bless you; I’m not green fingered at all either but hubby is! He loves it and has so much patience. I think you may be on a role now!! Thanks for hosting hun xx
    Sarah Howe recently posted…Those First Few Moments…..My Profile

    1. It’s funny but sweet peas remind me of my childhood too and of all the things I could’ve grown, these were the one thing I wanted to try. I now have a fence full of pods so we’ll see what happens next year. Thanks Sarah x

    1. Haha Aw thank you – but I’m not sure I can claim either of those accolades. Very kind of you to say though. I honestly think the flowers are more luck than judgement but I still insist on showing them off to anyone that happens to pop by 😉 x

  9. I love it! I’ve always been good at accidently murdering plants too but for the first time ever I’ve managed to keep a house plant alive. ..for almost a year! Let’s not talk about those strawberries I tried to grow though…Your little picture captions had me in stitches by the way!xx #Fartglitter
    wendy recently posted…The TMI tag – #vlogstarsMy Profile

  10. I would ask you for some tips but I’ve a feeling you wing this business as much as me! I’d love a pretty garden but I have no idea where to start! I managed to kill off a Poinsetta before Christmas Eve last year!! It was embarrassing! Great poem as always! #fartglitter
    Jaki recently posted…When do you stop trying…?My Profile

  11. I can relate to this one! I love cactus but considering how indestructable they’re supposed to be I still manage to kill them all! Your new plants look lovely, I bet the smaller one will shoot up next year, you won’t know what’s hit you! And a lovely bit of cheese at the end 🙂 #FartGlitter xx

  12. Aww, that’s brilliant! Charlie Dimmock move over! 🙂
    My husband loves our garden for both of us, so thankfully I haven’t been left in charge. Otherwise I fear there wouldn’t be much to look at.
    Well done you! Funny how motherhood changes us in ways we would never expect.
    rootsandwingsparenting recently posted…‘Just a mum’My Profile

  13. Oh I’m shocking at gardening. It’s my Mum in Law who keeps my garden alive too! We arrived back from holiday and she’d obviously taken pity on our poor garden and put four pots together for our return. They’re still alive and it’s been a whole week! High five! Thanks for hosting #fartglitter
    Becky (And Then There Were Two) recently posted…Now You Are FourMy Profile

  14. Well done! I went the other way- I was quite good with my garden before having kids then it just all got forgotten! Now they are all at school, I am trying to sort it out again. Just need that 8th day in the week….. xx #fartglitter
    Sonia recently posted…The Best BologneseMy Profile

  15. Oh well done!!! I’m currently feeling very smug Ive managed to keep a supermarket basil plant alive for more than a week. No idea how I’d cope with an actual garden!! Love the poem #bestandworst

  16. Forgive me, but your buddleja in that tiny pot is bloody hilarious!! ? On a serious note, well done you, great garden and a great rhyme…I particularly liked the cheesy bit, and your sprouts love your revamped garden I’m sure 🙂 #fartglitter xxx

    1. It’s definitely a bit more interesting for them to hunt for mini beasts in that’s for sure! I’m so impressed that you even know that it’s a buddleja. I know it as “The beast”. I daren’t do a pot transplant as I fear that the only thing that’s stopping it taking over the world is the fact that it’s roots are squished into such a tiny pot. Are plants like goldfish? Ie grow to size of tank / pot? Evidently not ? Think I’ll stick to sweet peas next year! Thanks lovely xxx

  17. Your words ring true for I am too in the club
    I have killed so much plant life Titchmarsh would blub
    But since my own little beansprouts arrived
    My outdoor greenery has quite simply thrived
    Amazingly even the sagging house plants are now perkily alive!

    Your posts always seem to have a lyrical effect on my day. They are ace! ❤️ xx

    1. Hahaha!
      I love that you have taken time to write a fab comment in rhyme,
      It seems somehow that ‘parenthood’
      Can help to make a garden good?
      I’m pleased to hear it’s not just me,
      That’s come to this epiphany!
      So thank you hon – I have to say,
      Your little rhyme had made my day! ?? x

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