You feel a little tender and quite fuzzy in the head,
You peer around the room and spot a pink thing by your bed!?
You realise: ‘That’s my baby!’ And the love begins to gush.
But now what should you do with her?
Your head begins to rush!
You really can’t prepare for what comes next right after birth,
But here’s a brief instruction list, to help, for what it’s worth:
You might have been in labour and been pushing all night long,
But if you think you’re due a rest,
My friend, you’ve got it wrong.
DO NOT approach the midwives asking: ‘What am I to do?’
‘This baby wants my boobs but I’ve been up the whole night through?!’
(Yes. I did this).
It is of prime importance that you learn to DO car seat.
As working out these bad boys is by no means a mean feat!
Your first drive home from hospital could find you both confused,
As you wrangle in your infant whilst your midwife stares bemused.
But DO enjoy that moment as you walk home through the door,
And lay your precious bundle down all snuggly on the floor,
Then glance at one another as you both feel quite perplexed.
You’ve got her home.
What the chuff do you do next?
DO NOT think for one second you’ll be nipping in the shower.
Or nipping bloody anywhere!
To all things: add an hour!
DO NOT allow your eyes to meet your newly bump-free tum!
You’re simply just not ready to embrace what it’s become!
In fact all shiny objects should be given a wide berth.
Reflection’s best avoided for a few weeks after birth.
DO NOT be shocked or question why there’s cabbage in your bra.
It’s just a fact, accept it.
(Although yes, it’s quite bizarre).
DO NOT think for one second that Lord Google is your friend.
It’s just a one way ticket to be driven round the bend!
Try NOT to search the following:
(Now this one might be tough!)
“Am I a rubbish mummy if her hands are full of fluff!?”
DO accept that lack of sleep plays havoc with your brain,
It’s perfectly excusable to be a bit insane.
DO NOT wake up at 3 am cold, sweating, in your bed,
Determined that you’ve squashed her and are laying on her head!
When really she’s just sleeping, and all cosy in her cot.
YOU CANNOT blame your hubby.
It is you.
You’ve lost the plot.
Do not allow in visitors that knock upon your door,
Without at least establishing just what they’ve rocked up for.
Unless they’ve come to clean your house or turn up bearing cake,
To let them all inside your home would be a huge mistake!
DO NOT assume that strangers, although seemingly quite nice,
Won’t rush at you with highly inappropriate advice.
But though you may refute it now, without a doubt you too,
Will find yourself at lunch discussing colour charts of poo!
Speaking of which…
DO NOT remove a poo stained vest by pulling over head.
Those overlapping shoulder bits are meant for down instead.
(When I first observed this I could only stand and stare,
Just thinking of the needless times I’d washed poop out of hair!)
And nothing can prepare you for that post birth number two,
That gift from Mother Nature to we mummies who are new!
But all that I can offer you,
which just might do the trick:
Grip the wall, swear a lot and bite down on a stick!
But cherish every second as it’s over in a blink,
Those tiny newborn moments fly by quicker than you think.
And vow in no uncertain terms:
‘We are NOT having two!’
Then shake your head in two years time…
…Whilst holding something blue!
This post originally featured on the fabulous Meet Other Mums blog page, for whom I am proud to be a regular blogger.