family · Humour · Parenting · Rhyme

“Nonfire Bite.”


In the interest of using my blog to capture the highs AND the lows of our little family adventures:

Image shows a sparkler

Our Bonfire Night…

(Nonfire Bite. Apparently?)

It was Saturday 5th of November,
So it seemed like a spiffing idea,
To seek out a nice, local bonfire,
Something low key, and friendly, and near.

We knew of a tiny quaint village,
All cutesy and sleepily paced,
Which seemed to tick all of our boxes,
So an order for tickets was placed.

We bundled the tots and their jumpers,
And their multiple scarves in the car,
Plus some earmuffs, 4 coats and 8 wellies,
For our journey,  which wasn’t too far.

We pulled into said sleepy village,
Showing 7pm on the clock.
When suddenly deep in the nowhere,
We reached an apparent gridlock?

A million cars and their drivers
All jammed into a dark country lane.
So, our vehicle duly abandoned
We tagged onto the passenger train.

The walk seemed to go on forever.
In the dark, with the mud, up a hill
As we dragged both The Girl and her brother
Whilst pretending to maintain good will.

But just as our venue drew closer
We were struck with a strange sense of doom.
Hearing “SCREAM IF YOU WANNA GO FASTER!”
As it pearced through the dark, smokey gloom.

We had hoped for a family occasion,
And a magical sparkly night?
We were met with a zillion people,
Swigging lager by flashing strobe light.

We considered just turning and leaving,
but by this time it just seemed too late,
So we sucked up our vexed disappointment,
And were herded on in through the gate.

With each of us gripping an infant,
Some gloves and a welly or two.
We stopped to take in our surroundings,
As we figured out what we should do.

We bustled our way through the people,
Past the dodgems away from the crowd
Just fighting to all stay together,
And find somewhere that wasn’t so loud.

All prospects of food were abandoned,
Once we spotted the hideous queue,
Then we shuffled to seek entertainment,
But found that was impossible too!

So we huddled alone in the darkness,
On a muddy and damp patch of grass.
Checked our watches – with 40 to fireworks.
We’d just have to allow time to pass.

And we really did try to be jolly,
As we jiggled about merrily,
Whilst the world and it’s dog staggered past us,
To the bushes to head for a pee?

The crappy DJ worked his “magic”,
With his notably naff repertoire.
As we both counted down to “The countdown”.
Just to get us all back to the car.

The Boy – by this time – was exhausted.
We were fighting to keep him awake.
The Girl was both grumpy and freezing.
This whole evening had been a mistake.

But then just at the end of our tether,
When we thought all excitement had gone,
We were given one final redemption,
As we counted from ten down to one…

The first rocket whooshed through the darkness,
Those that followed it sparkled and flared.
The Boy turned his head away sleeping,
While The Girl said “Don’t like it. I’m scared”.

The hub and I glanced at each other,
“Shall we go then and beat the mad rush?”
By this point we were dreading the traffic
So we left with a shove and a push.

With our backs to the exploding skyline,
We trekked back alone to the car
Each heaving a heavy tired toddler,
And remarking how “blessed” we both are.

We limped our way home in exhaustion,
Feeling fractious and starving and beat.
The evening had not been a sparkler,
And all that had burned were my feet.

No parkin had passed by my pie-hole,
Not a marshmallow held to the fire.
Not a wintery family adventure,
Just a loud and chaotic quagmire.

So despite having always loved fireworks,
Next November I think that we’ll pass.
And chill out with a large glass of vino.
Mr Fawkes – you can go kiss my ass!

The Boy: Knackered. Me: Stressed and wishing I was at home watching X Factor.
The Boy – knackered. Me – Stressed and wishing I was at home watching X Factor.

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51 thoughts on ““Nonfire Bite.”

  1. Feel your pain! Am all for fireworks but the traffic, crying and cold? Yuck! Youngest cried most of the way through the display we went to and oldest loved the quieter ones (and his light up lightsaber that he got) but didn’t like the really loud ones xxx
    Jen recently posted…Writer’s BlockMy Profile

    1. Not just us then Jen? I thought were the only ones that had a wash-out. I’m sure a light sabre would have saved us in our 40 minutes of need, but even the queue for that was not of this earth! Thanks for commenting lovely. At least we’ve got Christmas coming up next 🙂 xx

  2. Oh Dawn! We were visiting friends and took our almost 1 year old to fireworks… he was entirely indifferent!! They were so busy though and I whipped him out of the buggy into the carrier as apparently nobody could see the buggy and kept walking into him…grrr! we dispatched some of our friends to queue for hot dogs, it was crazy busy. Luckily it was walking distance though, I think it would have pushed me over the edge to sit in traffic with a crying baby 😂
    Ellen recently posted…Wonder where he gets that from?!My Profile

    1. Oh hon I feel your pain. We tried something similar when Miss Tot was two and Mstr Tot was just a couple of months old. I remember trying to breast feed in a cold dark field and change a nappy in the car whilst stuck in a car park in stationery traffic. I honestly thought this time would be better. Nope. I think it’s going to be sparklers in the garden for a good few years yet for us. Fingers crossed for next year for you xx

  3. Oh what a shame! We went to a fab display but even so Flump was tired and teary and cried that the bangs were too loud! Thankfully the rest of us had a lovely time but like you I’d have been as happy at home on the sofa with a glass of red! We had sparklers in the garden beforehand and I think Flump would have been more than happy to leave it at that 🙂
    Mess and Merlot recently posted…OKIDO Subscription GIVEAWAYMy Profile

  4. And this is exactly why I just bought some Aldi ones and we stayed at home and laughed at how crap our fireworks were. Still better than getting stuck in mud and eating half raw, overpriced hotdogs!!! Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays

    1. If only we could have reached the half raw over-priced hotdogs? Instead we just had to watch other (drunk) people eating them. I’m surprised there wasn’t a kebab shop! 😉 Aldi all the way for us next year too. Thanks for hosting x

  5. Oh noooo! How frustrating! Totally not what you were hoping for.

    We were all ill with the flu this bonfire night so we ended up watching everyone else’s fireworks out of our upstairs window, cuddled under a duvet. It was actually quite nice, and probably for the best because our 2yo was complaining about the noise even through our double glazed windows!

    There’s always next year…maybe! #BigPinkLink
    Lucy At Home recently posted…You’ve Changed; Are We Still Compatible?My Profile

  6. Brilliant as always and this exactly why we haven’t been to see the fireworks for the past three years. I briefly thought about going this year but then I got all these horrible images in my head (of pretty much everything you have just described) and we watched them from our window instead. Now after having read your post I’m really glad we opted to stay at home.
    #marvmondays ☺

    1. I had originally suggested your “flask of cocoa and nice place in the country to watch the sky” idea and been overruled. We both said we wished we’d gone with that option in the end! As you say – more research needed next year I think. Thanks Lou x

  7. What a nightmare! We live about 400 meters from our local bonfire night which is the only reason we go. The traffic is awful here so we would never drive. We eat first then walk across to the field. To be honest even though our eldest doesn’t like the fireworks there is no point trying to stay at home as the girls won’t sleep through it anyway!
    #BigPinkLink
    Kirsty – Winnettes recently posted…My Top 5 Family Christmas FilmsMy Profile

  8. I love bonfire night but with a toddler this year was just spent trying to make sure her and the baby were warm and also trying to stop her from running head long into the fire!
    We got quite a few odd looks as she wondered around shouting ‘fiirrrrrreeeeee!!’ in a weird demented voice too! #MarvMondays
    Amie recently posted…My Smiggle WishlistMy Profile

  9. Oh no! You capture the essence perfectly, though – it’s the kind of evening that me teens would love – what a shame though for you guys. Well you know for next year – a large glass of vino and the X factor sounds perfect xx #CoolMumClub

  10. Had the exact same experience when my two were small. They pissing HATED it. It’s not so bad now, as long as I remember to take at least a million pounds with me to procure glowsticks, sweets, unsuitable fizzy drinks and enough booze to wipe the fear that they will hurl themselves into the fire from my mind. #coolmumclub

    1. Yes I can see that would be an effective plan! I would have followed those guidelines had it not been for the “1 stall selling all the stuff : 745,879 drunk people” ratio. There was no hotdog on earth worthy of such a queue! 😉 Thanks Lindsay! X

  11. Oh no!! What a nightmare! We opted for watching them from the window this year instead of braving the cold muddy field in our village and was very glad we did!! But hey, if you didn’t do it you wouldn’t have had this awesome post to write 😉 #MarvMondays

  12. This is the reason we’ve still not ventured out to fireworks in more than 4 years now. We thought we might take her this year but after a hyper day with cousins we decided against it. Your post has reassured me we made the right decision.

  13. Haha! Brilliant. We actually had a really good Bonfire night this year, thanks to LOTS of preparation and explaining to Biggest, and remembering the ear defenders. But it so easily could have gone the other way… Staying inside and watching some fireworks on telly is definitely an appealing alternative. #bigpinklink

    1. Haha I have no objections with wild weeing. It was just half the population of Yorkshire staggering past clutching a can of Stella to pee right next to where we were standing which had my eyebrows doing something of their own free will. 😉 It really was freezing wasn’t it? You were brave doing anything so brave in such wintery conditions! 😂 x

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