Cake · family · Humour · Parenting · Rhyme · Toddler

(Not) Baking with Children.

Image shows baking bowls in a heap on the side and flour spilled.

We’re stuck without car and it’s starting to rain.
I study the offspring, they’re going insane,

“To the kitchen!” I bellow, “We’re going to bake!”
The Tots both leap up at the prospect of cake.

They race for a chair and they fight for one each,
Then drag it to climb upon so they can reach.

But hold on a moment, I suddenly think,

“Our hands need a wash!”
*chairs get dragged to the sink*

After twelve squirts of soap and a small water fight,
I inspect, and conclude that their hands are alright.

So they clamber back up, wired and ready to pounce
For the spoon as we measure out stuff by the ounce.

In goes some butter, then in goes some more,
I’m aiming for twelve, why not make twenty four?

Like vultures, The Offspring close in on their prey.
The Girl jabs The Boy as he gets in her way.

They grab for a range of utensils and tools,
And poke, prod and bash like a pair of wild fools.

I turn to get sugar and step from the side,
There’s a screech.
I bolt round to check no one has died….

But no. All is fine. Just an issue of spoon.
The Big One had snatched it a fraction too soon.

Thus leaving The Little One sobbing bereft,
The victim of baking utensil grand theft.

I spoon in some sugar, the tots are wide eyed,
And peer over the bowl at the crystals inside.

Ignoring my instincts for managing risk,
I reach for the big one – the electric whisk!

That beacon of baking – The Tots Holy Grail.
But I only have one.
(Hash tag parenting fail!)

They jostle and whinge as they each want a turn,
*A small face palm moment*
When the hell will I learn?

I give in to logic.
The Big One goes first.
Having weighed up my options,
(Her screams are the worst).

The whisk is cranked up.
Butter flicks up the wall.
And onto the ceiling.
And over us all.

The whisk is removed and we each are hosed down.
I’m perfectly calm and refusing to frown.

The whisk’s redeployed with the Tots at arm’s reach.
With a new set of rules, “place one hand on it each“.

So. Butter and sugar successfully creamed,
Thus far only one of my offspring has screamed.

#winning

I turn for a second to forage for flour,
Apparently handing The Girl all the power?

A little like lightning, but three times as quick,,
Her hand’s in the bowl and she’s ready to lick.

Out come the fingers at Olympic pace,
And giddy with glee, stuffs them into her face.

I glance as she reaches to score one more goal…
DO NOT PUT YOUR FINGERS BACK INTO THAT BOWL!

“These aren’t just for us, we’ll be sharing some too!”
“And no one wants buns with saliva from you!”

So caught in the act, Miss Tot colours in shame,
Disgruntled at Mummy for spoiling her game.

She stops and considers to think up a fix….
And dribbles her mouthful…
back into the mix!!!

*silent scream*

Quite proud of herself she is somewhat surprised,
When her selfless solution is duly chastised.

The Boy, who’s been watching this slightly bemused,
Now turns to the eggs to be aptly amused.

Deciding we’d better not share these today,
I scoop half the “dribbled in” mixture away.

We throw in some eggs. (With a soupcon of shell –
Thus adding a portion of roughage as well.)

In goes the flour in one dusty “pooof”
That covers the household from floor unto roof.

The offspring dive in and they frantically stir,
A frenzy of spoons thrash about in a blur.

Two dozen bun cups are squidged into place
And the mixture is spooned vaguely close to each case.

The Tots eye the now empty bowl with a grin,
NOW they can lick – so they swiftly dig in!

I take two steps back and I survey the site.
And gulp back the urge to adopt “Fight or Flight”.

There’s egg on the worktop and all down each chair,
Miss Tot has a dollop of “stuff” in her hair

And I know that I’m blessed to have two helpful tots,
Who would both be so willing to help me wash pots,

But the deluge of suds that would no doubt ensue
Has left me perplexed, not quite sure what to do?

The kitchen needs some sort of military clean.
So I cleverly lure them in front of a screen….

 

Image of both children sat watching cartoons.

#badmummy

I know they’d enjoy it.
I should let them try,
But to let them do icing I’d have to be high!

The kids are positioned in front of TV
So I tiptoe away just a bit sneakily.

In no time the kitchen is back to the norm.
A blink of an eye and I’ve iced up a storm!

And now that it’s done I can pause to reflect.
To you – Baking Mums – I have utmost respect!

But I’ve found that no things can be mixed in a bowl
Without the whole process destroying my soul.

And so from now on I do solemnly pledge,
That I’m done with the buns thanks.
I’ll just stick to veg!

 

Image of two tins of buns
#crunchybuns #icedtoperfection #totallynotworthit

 

Just a little note this time, to dedicate this little rhyme, to Alice of Nipper and Tyke, who’s lovely blog I really like. She wrote a post so beautifully, which instantly hit home with me, and I was nodding all way through, as I had just been baking too! So thanks to her with huge #bloglove as she inspired the rhyme above. I’m sending lots of virtual cake, as from now on I DO NOT BAKE! ;0) xx

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120 thoughts on “(Not) Baking with Children.

  1. I love this and can totally relate, I now stick to chocolate cornflakes cakes for the kids, so much easier. I then sneak around baking cakes while they are busy somewhere else #fartglitter

  2. Agreed! I respect those who can bake and make it look like some lovely bonding session with their kids. I can’t bake for toffee and if I could it would most likely resemble a disaster zone! But we can only try πŸ™‚ xx #fartglitter

  3. Cooking is one of those activities that leaves me feeling like a truly virtuous mother – like when I get the pains out. But my God that Virtue doesn’t come cheap does it… The cleaning up is literally the worst, the fights over a spatula are apocalyptic scale , you’d think it was a gold bullion!
    Loved this ryhyme, you are so talented.
    #fartglitter xxx

  4. HAHAH I laughed out loud throughout, this is EXACTLY what happens when we bake!!! God knows how many times my kids dribble/sneeze/stick their hands into the mixture, I try to convince myself that it adds to the taste! At least with me being gluten free I don’t have to eat most of our cakes……sadly Daddy doesn’t have that excuse, ha! #fartglitter
    laura dove recently posted…For Eva, on your first day at school.My Profile

  5. This did make me giggle, and nod. I do bake, but not with my child! I’m a very mean mummy. Or a perfectionist. You’re so talented with your rhymes! #bigpinklink

  6. That’s really funny and exactly like baking in our house (on the 2 occasions I was brave a enough)
    #fartglitter.

  7. Haha I hardly ever bake with the gremlin as my Mum always does it!! She’s not as bad as she used to be but eats any ingredients with chocolate in them or any raisins!!! Your cakes look fab and don’t worry about the TV – I’m reading this was the gremlin has a TV break!! Great rhyme and thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x
    Sarah Howe recently posted…Why I’m Not Having a Birth PlanMy Profile

  8. Fantastic read! I must admit, the only kind of cooking I like doing with or around my little one is when it’s putting something in the oven as he knows to stay clear of it haha. Baking can be fun but it’s also VERY messy, the mix always ends up all over the walls, the ceiling and us as well! #FartGlitter

    Jordanne || Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk
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  9. I love that she dribbled the mixture back into the bowl – that’s pretty much the only thing that could make pastry unappetizing! I used to love baking with my dad better than my mum because he would let us lick the mixers afterwards. My mum was too afraid of salmonella. My brother and I both survived eating raw dough , though – food-born diseases be damned! #fartglitter
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  10. Tee hee hee
    You’re braver than me!

    For I’ve thus far stayed away
    From the twins and a baking tray

    The mere thought of the mess
    Simply fills me with stress!

    A hilarious endeavor;
    Your poem is awesome, as ever

    πŸ™‚
    #fartglitter

    1. Your comment, as always has filled me with awe,
      As you’ve filled it with humour and rhyming once more,
      I also find baking a painstaking chore,
      So why should we bother?
      That’s what Asda’s for! πŸ™‚

      Thanks for your brilliant comment as always xx

  11. Is that your tummy beginning to rumble?
    C’mon 8, let’s go make a crumble.
    Butter, sugar, oats and flour
    She rubs it in for what seem like an hour.
    A stodgy mess is left in the bowl,
    Not quite Mrs Beeton, God rest her soul.
    8 is bored and leaves the room,
    I give up and have a glass of wine instead……
    πŸ™‚
    #FartGlitter
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    1. I find that my baking is generally fine,
      With my secret ingredient – copious wine.
      Who cares if it’s burned and the mixture’s been moshed.
      It all tastes quite nice once you’re pleasantly sloshed! πŸ™‚

      Thank you for your amazing comment – sending cake (probably with added crunch) x

  12. I am waiting for the day when my little one is old enough to help me bake, but I’m sure I will regret saying then when it actually happens! I have done the same when baking with my young nephew – let him help with the baking but sneakily done the icing myself because I couldn’t face the thought of icing sugar all over my kitchen! Hope you enjoyed eating them, they looked scrummy despite the backwash πŸ™‚ #fartglitter

    1. Haha thanks Abi. I definitely think that icing is for grown ups. Otherwise they just end up looking like someone has sneezed on them. At least if I ice them someone had probably only sneezed in them, not on them, and then that can just be a little secret haha. (I’m kidding. I honestly wouldn’t let my kids sneeze in the mix and feed them to other humans! Just in case any of my workmates are reading! πŸ˜‚) x

  13. ‘But I’ve found that no things can be mixed in a bowl, without the whole process destroying my soul,’ Best. Line. Ever!!!!!! This sums up perfectly, every single time I’ve tried to bake with my children!!!! It’s a shame, because the eldest is actually ok at it now, and very careful and helpful, but the youngest is just a disaster, and destroys the whole process!! And I never have the eldest on my own, so baking is now waiting until the youngest is a bit more capable!
    I can’t believe your daughter dribbled the contents of her mouth back in-that made me howl!! Classic!!! They do look fab though… But it’s not hard to imagine the carnage created by making them!!
    #bigpinklink
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    1. This is exactly my problem! I think our kids are of a similar age aren’t they? On their own I could probably manage with either of them. The biggest one in particular can be quite gifted in the kitchen. It’s just when they get together it becomes utter carnage! Thanks for sharing your pain. I’m so pleased that I’m in excellent company πŸ™‚ xx

  14. You had it all, from the chair scraping to the infighting and the ubiquitous egg shell components, the ‘tasting’ bit and the squabbling over utensils. The spit back bit was just genius of your daughter – I’m sure it was just lovely for you! It’s never the calm, homely, apron bedecked joy that baking really should be is it! I too loved the ‘But I’ve found that no things can be mixed in a bowl, without the whole process destroying my soul’. I’m going to leave it to the professionals and watch Bake Off with my daughter instead! #fartglitter

    1. That sounds like a far more therapeutic way of baking. I think I might go down that route in the future. Far less eggshell is likely to need to be washed from anyone’s hair by watching it on the telly I’m sure? πŸ˜‰ Thanks lovely x

  15. I don’t know how you do it Dawn but you present the best blog posts all in such humorous rhyme. Not to mention you are brave to bake with two toddlers. I never bake but I do like to cook when we aren’t running around like chickens with our heads cut off. My 6 year old loves the kitchen and as much as I love wanting to teach him, his two sisters want in on the action as well. I have decided though that I am just going to make it a rule that you have to be 6 1/2 before you can be in the kitchen. He even watches the show “Chopped” with me and I have a feeling will make some great meals one day. Thanks for hostessing #fartglitter *muah*
    Trista, Domesticated Momster recently posted…Role Of Diet In Skincare: 8 Best Foods For Your Skin (Guest Post)My Profile

    1. Aw thank you lovely Trista! That’s made a bit emotional haha! 6 1/2 seems like a good age limit to impose. I think that 23 months was possibly a bit too ambitious with hindsight. Good luck with your budding chef! It’ll be lovely for you to be able to cook together in the future. Thank you for linking up with us xx

  16. Gosh you’re brave! I can never fathom the courage to bake with my boy, the thought of egg on the ceiling renders me catatonic. The end result looks professional, I’m impressed! #fridayfrolics
    P.s Totes voted for you for MN awards! πŸ˜‰
    Harriet recently posted…V for VaginaMy Profile

    1. I can kind of get to grips with egg on the ceiling. Not so much in the hair though. That’s just a stretch too far haha. Thank you so so much for the nomination! Sending very much cake and if you’re at blogfest let me know I’ll come find you and give you a big cheers πŸ™‚ xx

  17. Dawn – you incredibly talented! <3 I am so glad I came across your blog. Last Christmas we tried to bake a gingerbread house, it was a complete disaster, so I gave up on baking all together. Frankly, I don't know who is worse at it, me or the kids:)

    1. Fashionably late and always looking sparkling while the rest of us are starting to flag and our make up is wearing off haha. Definitely the best way to be! I’m hardly the earliest to the party myself these days, but as late is where the best cake and wine hangs out I’m good with that! πŸ™‚ Thanks lovely x

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