Cake · Diet · Humour · Motherhood · Poem · Rhyme

*pokes wobbly bits and sighs*

I hate bloody diets, I find them a pain,
But my once comfy jeggings are feeling the strain.

I tried in November, a pre-Crimbo surge,
But found myself swamped by a gingerbread urge.

Then Christmas arrived, best intentions all fell.
I ate half of Asda, plus Santa as well.

I’d generally cut back in January,
But not this year lovelies.
Not this year, not me!

This year I adopted a new attitude,
Rebuffed resolutions and stuffed in more food.

I proudly announced with a chocolate fuelled cheer:
“Why should I starve at this bleak time of year?”

And then it got warmer, the nights were less dim,
You’d think I’d have managed to get a bit trim?

But no. I had issues. Could not move my legs.
The cause was apparently Cadbury’s creme eggs.

I tried to be clever – so using my nous,
Thought: Simple – Don’t have any junk in the house!

But then I considered my plan’s crucial flaw…
What if a visitor knocks on the door?

The in-laws, and play dates – they all require food!
There has to be snacks or they’ll think I’m just rude!

And so I just purchased my least favourite things.
Like chocolate marshmallows and coconut rings,

Which frankly turned out to be quite a mistake,
When push comes to shove they’re still basically cake!

And with limited choice they still went in my trap.
All just as unhealthy, but tasted like crap!

So now, summer looms.
I’ve hit critical stage,
I wince with each turn of the calendar page.

The holiday’s booked, and we count down the weeks,
I stare at the mirror and puff out my cheeks.

Whilst upstairs it growls in a locked dusty drawer…
That swimwear, that perfectly fit once before!

*Silent terror*

*Sighs*

I need to be good and get slightly more thin,
If only so Greenpeace don’tΒ  roll me back in.

…..So!

I start off each week now with “Diet Monday”.
And say “This is it now! I’m starting TODAY!”

And scheme: “What I’ll do is I’ll start with a fast!
To kick start my plan.”
(Which of course doesn’t last).

By twenty to eight I am craving a fix,
“That’s fine though” IΒ  reason.
“I’ll have Weetabix!”

(And maybe just one or two toast crusts of course?
Thus followed by “Guilty Mum Toast Crust Remorse”).

Oh well.
I decide that perhaps it’s ok?
As breakfast SHOULD be the best meal of the day!

It’s not all that bad, it’ll all be alright.
I’ll make sure that lunch is just even more light…

Eleven o’clock.
I’m home from playgroup.
Planning a banquet of rocket and soup.

But then from the cupboard I hear a loud shriek!
(I’m slightly concerned to find biscuits can speak?)

I just have a titchy one, just for today,
It’s bloody hard work all this tough stay and play!?

I’ll just skip the soup, and have rocket for lunch.
I’m sure it’s the same when it comes to the crunch?

The toddler awakes and is ready to snack,
It’s barely gone 12 but my appetite’s back!!

I lovingly make him a sandwich of cheese,
Perhaps have a taste, just to test if you please?

And chomping on cheddar it suddenly clicks,
This evening is date night!
We’re off to the flicks!

We’ll HAVE to eat popcorn – it’s simply the law!
As what the hell else are those cup holders for?

Of course! Well that solves it.
I might as well eat!
It isn’t my fault. It’s a worthy defeat!

There’s no point in dieting just half a day,
Then having to go out and snack anyway?

I’ll just start tomorrow.
That sounds like a plan!
I’d best eat this cake then,
Just while I still can….

(…The rest of the day is spent stuffing my face.
I have no excuse.
I’m a blimmin disgrace!)

The very next day I awake filled with vim!
Still giddy on popcorn, quite full to the brim!

“Today is the day!” I announce with a smile.
I flick on the kettle, reflect for a while,

I stopΒ to consider and gaze at the sky….

20160524_182441-1.jpg
I’m reliably informed that these only contain “empty calories”. and we all know that empty things don’t weigh anything… #winningatcakes

Start a diet?
On Tuesday?
MID WEEK?
Are you high??

“Ah fudge it” I reason.
Perhaps…. I’m alright!?

Β And I’m NOT overweight?

Just a bit under height!

And what can I do about not being tall?

“Nothing” I reason: “Nothing at all!”

 

 

 

 

 

Linking up with:

Rhyming with Wine
Domesticated MomsterDiary of an imperfect mum

114 thoughts on “*pokes wobbly bits and sighs*

    1. I’m actually doing quite well this week and my shopping bill is so much cheaper than usual! There is definitely something to say for this dieting thing! Your post last week had given me a bit of a kick up my (pudgy) ass so thank you for that! πŸ™‚ x

  1. This gave me a lot of giggles on a rainy Monday afternoon! I’m a total failure at dieting, but since I’ve been breastfeeding I’m lucky the weight has just fallen off me despite the amount of cake I eat. So my new diet plan is going to be called “extended breastfeeding” – good plan, right?! #fartglitter
    Abi recently posted…Safari AdventuresMy Profile

  2. Brilliant! I’ve stopped even pretending I’ll diet or eat healthy – I’m still breastfeeding, I need chocolate don’t I??!

    Before I fell pregnant with Arthur I hadn’t had any form of sugar (glucose, fructose, sucrose etc) for 3 months, no convenience foods or refined carbs and (almost) no alcohol – I was basically as tip top healthy as I could be. I want another baby next year and husband reliably informs me I need to do exactly what I did last time so that baby 2 ends up just like baby 1…… Genuinely not sure I can!!! #fartglitter
    Sarah – Arthurwears recently posted…Children Changing Careers p6: Karen from Two Tiny HandsMy Profile

    1. Oh my word that is dedication! I think my body would go into shock if I didn’t feed it sugar for more than just a few hours 😳 Well done to you! You must have felt fantastic! *kicks self up the bum!* πŸ™‚ x

    1. You see now I’m emphatically Starbucks, and to be honest their cakes aren’t up to all that much so I can usually decline. I don’t think I even dare stepping foot into a Cafe Nero though if they have such delicacies! πŸ˜‹ x

  3. Oh I feel your pain! I was on such a good track at the beginning of the year then super bowl came along with chips and dips and of course lots of beer! A-ha a little rhyming there! I say life is short eat and drink and be merry…just go for a walk once in awhile :)). Thanks for hostessing #fartglitter !

  4. Ha dieting is without doubt one of the hardest things to do, especially if you love cake! You need to try some chocolate brownies made with avocados – apparently as good for you as a brownie can get! That picture of the cakes though…!! #FartGlitter

  5. I was just nodding all the way through, I always start mondays with a cut back day and my resolve is all over by midday (arrrrgh) I was laughing out loud to the last part – And I’m NOT overweight?
    Just a bit under height!
    And what can I do about not being tall?
    β€œNothing” I reason: β€œNothing at all!”
    ‘Under height’ is an absolute classic! I’m sure writing poems is hard work but you make it look effortless #fartGlitter

    1. Ah thanks lovely! To be fair I actually find writing in rhyme easier than going off piste and freestyle. The rhyme gives me structure, otherwise I’m all over the place! Thanks for reading – pleased it made you laugh πŸ˜‰ x

  6. As ever on point;
    Temptation’s a bummer!
    Fine in the winter;
    Less great in the summer

    With bare legs out
    And skin on show;
    Why not have a holiday
    Where there is snow?

    Bye-bye bikini;
    Hello cover-up fun!
    Mind you, it’s just not the same
    As a pool by the sun…

    I guess you’ll just have to
    Let it all hang out!
    A couple of sangrias
    Will relax you, no doubt!

    You only live once;
    It’s a journey we all make.
    Would you rather be thin,
    Or get to eat cake???

    Xxx

    1. *standing ovation*
      *rapturous applause*
      *tries to do Mexican wave*
      *only self and cat present*
      *cat looks at my with disdain*
      *sits down, giggles*
      *types “Thank you so much once again for such a brilliant comment!”
      *sends cake*
      πŸ°πŸ’•

  7. Praise the Lord for Harem trousers and maxi-skirts that’s what I say! Brilliant poem, I think a lot of people, me included have been there!! As soon as I get into diet mode I end up eating a weeks worth of food for no apparent reason. Flapjacks ARE porridge in a condensed form, like wine is grapes right?
    I’ve come to the conclusion everyone is too busy poking their own wobbly bits to even notice mine. If it helps I had cake for breakfast, lunch AND dinner (no, I’m not just saying it to make you feel better!) I mean it IS my birthday but it’s definitely not the only occasion that happens πŸ™‚ #fartglitter
    Mess and Merlot recently posted…Charlie and the Chocolate CakeMy Profile

    1. See now this is why we are friends! Cake for every meal is perfectly acceptable.

      Seriously though, do you do that thing too on a Sunday night where you stuff everything in the house into your face just so that you can start eating healthily from the next day? I mean logically I know that I could just share all those maltesers out over the diet week and make myself slightly less miserable whilst otherwise starving – but no! Stuff em all in on Sunday night until I feel sick. Great plan! πŸ˜‚ xx

  8. πŸ™‚ I can’t stop grinning… talking biscuits! Hehe! Simply brilliant.

    I am normally terrible when there’s cake in the house, but I have been out caked! I am surrounded by birthday cake, way too much of it, and the slight of it makes my head spin *or was that all the sugar from the slice I just ate*. #Fartglitter
    Annette, 3 Little Buttons recently posted…Fairies Magical Potion StationMy Profile

  9. Ahhh I love this so much. I am a huge fan of all food and all booze and occasionally try to deny myself these things but it doesn’t usually work. I did realise recently though that when I am old and decrepit I don’t want to look back on the body I had now and regret that I didn’t appreciate it and enjoy it while it works and functions. Does that make sense?! Also your Greenpeace comment made me howl!!! You definitely can’t help being under-tall, my dear. #ablogginggoodtime
    Ellen recently posted…Wires, cushions & feet: my baby’s favourite playthingsMy Profile

  10. I’m going to give you some blogger love- so watch out for the mush but…I just love your poetry and wicked rhyming skills. Every post I read is so good and makes me smile as it never sounds contrived just to get a rhyme. πŸ™‚ It’s an unspoken law you can’t start a diet on a Tuesday. #momsterslink
    blabbermama recently posted…James Bond: The search for the next recruitMy Profile

    1. Ooh I got a bit emosh then! Thank you. Like a proper heartfelt one with a serious face and possibly a little hug. So pleased you liked it, and yes! I knew it was a law or something!! I mean it’s just unnatural… Thanks for the blog love. Right back at you with sprinkles on xx

  11. Genius!!! Love it! πŸ™‚ Dieting sucks. I LOVE food! But, I do find to stop my (hourly) cake craving, I make baby banana flapjacks. Mash 3 ripe bananas, mix in porridge oats (not sure of amounts, just judge houw gooey you like it!), a few handfuls of raisins and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Mix it all together, bake it in the oven for 20 minutes or so, then slice. Voila! No added fat or sugar and it tastes sooo naughty and satisfying (I think!) I made them for bubba originally but I eat them myself now to stop the cravings!!
    Amazing poem!! #momsterslink
    Rebecca recently posted…Families are…My Profile

  12. Once again you have nailed it!!! This is so me: I even had a dream last night that people were asking me if I am pregnant! I feel like I really need to do something, yet just ten minutes ago I had to talk myself out of reaching for the chocolate – it is not even lunchtime yet!!! xx #FartGlitter
    yvonne recently posted…I will fly you to the moon and back…My Profile

  13. This is so brilliant, I completely love it. I also love the picture of the cakes…they look amazing. Your poem brings to mind for me one by Wendy Cope….I can’t find it on tinternweb annoyingly. It was commissioned by my work and I used to have it on a tea cup on my desk…my brain isn’t working, it was short and it was about dieting and the last line is ‘I want not less but more of you’. Seems like a fair idea! #ablogginggoodtime
    Lucy at occupation: (m)other recently posted…Southampton Swing Watch – Cobden Meadows, Bitterne TriangleMy Profile

    1. Aw I love that idea! I’ll have to try and find it too. I haven’t heard of Wendy Cope (though I’m sure I should have!) But she definitely sounds like my kind of poet! The cakes are so amazing! They’re from a place 5 mins from me and they even do “cake-away”. It is dangerous! πŸ˜‰ Thanks for your comment Lucy x

  14. Haha! Totally with you on these issues! I don’t do diets, and will not give up chocolate, but decided a while back that I really was going to have to start exercising again. I started running again. It was actually going really well for a couple of weeks. Then I got ill & now I can’t run! Still eating chocolate though! #fartglitter
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Random Things I’ve Seen: The M&S HeistMy Profile

    1. I always find it’s important to maintain your chocolate levels in times of illness. πŸ˜‰ Well done on the running though! I can shake my wobbly bits at Zumba or aerobics type things, but running floors me! Thanks for reading x

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