We’ve started potty training as The Boy has now turned two.
If for no better reason than just “something fun to do?”
The Christmas tree’s a gonner and the room is bare and glum.
What better sight to fill it than my offspring’s streaking bum?
We read the training manual and we noted all the rules,
We thought it would be simple.
As apparently: we’re fools.
The books should be responsible in all the things they say,
To manage expectations in a more realistic way!
I feel there’s some confusion and it should be made quite clear:
1) Wrap all the things in cellophane considered to be dear!
At no point does it mention, hint, elude or dare to say:
2) That 2 year olds shall need to wee twelve thousand times a day.
3) Their sudden need to urinate shall take you by surprise,
Quite often whilst mid-shower with conditioner in your eyes.
4) There shall indeed be moments when the perfect thing to do,
Is “shoop” around the kitchen with a potty as a shoe?
5) The height of toddler fashion so it seems? Or failing that:
Apparently one’s potty makes a rather fetching hat?
6) You’ll need a bigger changing bag to carry all the stuff.
2 hundred pairs of trousers plus some pants should be enough?
7) As while you’re out in public and he’s rocking his new pants.
He’ll count how many outfits he can pee on – just for ‘bants.
8) He’ll poo upon the potty ’til he cannot “poo no more!”
Then as you go to empty it he’ll sh*t upon the floor.
9) You’ll sniff at work and find perhaps you’ve been a tad remiss,
And notice that your coat might have the faintest scent of wee.
10) A 50 min delay should now be set for all your plans.
Your shiny new agenda shall be mostly: Washing hands.
So far, throughout this mission it’s become quite clear to see
It’s not him that needs training. It is actually me!
Your tiddler might have grasped his basic urge to wee and poo.
He might be potty ready now, but
Dear Grown Up…