Humour · Parenting · Poem · Rhyme · vlog

The Rules According to a Toddler… A Vlog by Motherhood: The Real Deal

A little while ago, the lovely Talya from Motherhood: The Real Deal contacted me and sent me a link to her fantastic vlog which showed her reading a poem about what goes on inside the mind of a toddler.   I watched it instantly (obvs), and once I’d got over how excited I was just to put a face to her hilarious, insightful and mind-blowing blog, I absolutely loved it!  Talya has a natural flair for reading poetry and she really knows how to bring the words to life.  You can therefore imagine what my reply was when she asked if I would perhaps fancy writing something for her to read!

And so, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I give you…

*drum-roll*

The one….  The only….  Talya….

 

The rules according to Toddler.
(by Little Man.  Aged 1 3/4.)

I sometimes have to wonder if I’m being raised by fools?
It’s hardly rocket science but they just can’t grasp the rules!

My mummy and my Daddy try their best but just don’t know,
And so I shall explain it.
Are you’re ready?
Here I go…

I think I’ll start with dinner time:
My plate – it must be RED!
Unless of course it’s windy, then it must be blue instead.

I really do like cheese though and I’m rather fond of toast.
But this in no way means I’ll be accepting cheese ON toast!

And if I’m having fun and throwing raisins on the floor,
Why do they take them off me when it’s clear I want some more?

My trousers are my favourite all day long.
‘Till 4 o’clock.
At which time I shall hate them and will strip to just one sock.

And sometimes let’s be honest, it’s just cruel that they’d deny,
Their only little boy to wear his wellies in July!

What’s so fascinating about walking in a line?
I like to chase in circles and I think that that’s just fine!

It’s common sense to me that if you take me in a bank,
I’m perfectly entitled to adopt “The Screeching Plank”.

And surely they can see my nappy’s warmer when it’s wet?
Yet when I warm a new one they get a bit upset?

Now why would any person go to bed when they are tired?
It surely must be better to be grumpy, stressed and wired?

And what is this obsession with them putting me to bed?
It has to be more practical to sleep stood up instead?

I’m quite concerned that Mummy has become a hygiene wuss.
It’s just a little toilet brush? It’s tasty?
Why the fuss?

I stick to simple words to make it clear what’s being said!
Unlike those silly grown ups spouting nonsense from their head.

I DO sense their frustration when they don’t get their own way,
And I try to understand the random noises that they say.

But it really isn’t tricky just to follow this short list.
I tell them all day long but they’re so desperate to resist?

They’ve got their own agendas and they pester all the time.
But life would be much better if they’d just abide by mine!

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I can honestly say that I squeaked with excitement when I first saw Talya’s reading as I’ve never heard anyone else read one of my rhymes to me.  It was quite a surreal feeling and I am so thrilled to feature on her brilliant vlog.

Thank you Talya.  Sending #bloglove #bloghugs and, of course, cake!

xxx

Talya is the fabulous freelance writer & blogger at Motherhood: The Real Deal

Please do check out & subscribe to her new You Tube channel here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn5I1XvKPcT-KPIvKmpbBXQ

You can also follow her on:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/motherhoodtherealdeal
Twitter: https://twitter.com/motherhoodreal
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/motherhoodrealdeal/
Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/talyastone/
Pinterest: https://uk.pinterest.com/Motherhoo

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87 thoughts on “The Rules According to a Toddler… A Vlog by Motherhood: The Real Deal

  1. This is very funny!
    And resonates of so well with our ToddlerMonster.
    They are like a different breed of human aren’t they. I just don’t understand the reasoning behind the eyes.
    Lila wanted a drink this morning: So i got what I thought was her favourite sippy down and poured the juice. For the love of god I may as well have been pissing in the sippy cup for the utter shapes she began cutting and screams that came from her. So we went through 4 other drinking chalice options. (i indulged her, what can I say)
    Of course she screamed harder as I poured the juice from cup to bloody cup and we ended up right back at the start with her ‘favourite’. Of course we did.
    She smiled sweetly and toddled off with her prize.
    I learned over the sink and counted to 10… (Not really, I swore into the fridge instead.)
    #fartglitter xxxxxx

    1. Your “ToddlerMonster” sounds very similar to ours. At least you have a range of chalices to offer. Ours will only drink out of one. Just that one. No other will do. He would rather dehydrate himself into oblivion than drink out of any of the other apparently torturous beakers that are on offer nowadays. Hmmf. Thanks for your comment hon. Sending chocolate (to keep in fridge and eat whilst swearing into it). 😉 xx

  2. Absolutely brilliant you sure you didn’t ask my 4 year old twins to write this so very funny thanks for hosting #fartglitter

  3. Absolutely LOVE this. I always enjoy reading your work and this made me laugh out loud. You must have read my toddlers mind 🙂
    #FartGlitter

  4. Ahahah this is hilarious! I loved hearing it read aloud too, Talya is brilliant. Eeep we aren’t quite at the toddler stage yet, I’m in for a whole world of pain aren’t I?! Although he did try and get the toilet brush the other day and when I managed to move it out of his reach he thought he’d try and put his hand into the toilet instead. All good fun…?! #fartglitter
    Ellen recently posted…Sisterhood of the World BloggersMy Profile

    1. Yup. All the dirty filthy scrut holes of the planet… like candy to a toddler. I have been known to hyperventilate after taking my two into public toilets and seeing what they’re each attempting to prod / lick. *gags* I have also been known to yell “Just stop touching things!!” Repeatedly. Good luck. It’s fun. I’ll be waiting with the cake 😉 xx

  5. oh my gosh she reads it so well, such a hilarious poem. My fav was the part about liking cheese and toast but not cheese on toast, it’s so toddler logic isn’t it! I mean of course we would assume they would like that!!! #fartglitter
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…But first breatheMy Profile

    1. Neither of my two will eat cheese ON toast. I mean why would they? They look at me as though I’m trying to poison them. I have to make sure it’s thoroughly deconstructed before they’ll entertain it. Thank you Mackenzie xx

  6. Yayyyh! *claps excitedy* When two fab bloggers combine good things happen! Great poem (as always) and how lovely to see/hear it being read by Talya.
    Much as I don’t want my kids to grow up I have to admit I quite like the fact that they are marginally more sensible than when they were a toddler 🙂
    My son still somehow ends up with only one sock on at the age of almost 8!
    Thanks for hosting, loved this x #fartglitter
    Mess and Merlot recently posted…The Kids Are AlrightMy Profile

    1. Thanks so much for hosting Trista! I might be a bit of a no show this next week or two as I’m flying solo on #fartglitter and working (boo!) I’ll try my best, but if not I’ll definitely be back when normal service is resumed. Hugs xx

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