1) Thou shalt not spill.
Or if thou shalt spill thou shalt make sure thou is not anywhere that there is carpet. (Preferably in the garden.)
2) Thou shalt not steal.
Not even in those shops where all the good stuff is lined up right next to the tills and at your perfect grabbing height* at a time when Mummy will generally be too busy trying to find her purse from the abyss of her changing bag to notice what you’re doing.
*I mean how many adults would prefer to pick up a Kinder Egg from a shelf just 6 inches off the floor now? Seriously supermarkets. I’m looking at you! *grumpy eyes*
3) Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it Holy.
So no waking us up at any type of hour that could be considered unholy. Please and thank you.
4) Thou shalt not make any graven images of Mummy.
All drawings of Mummy are to illustrate her beaming smile, angelic nature and to include flowers and hearts. They are not to include the following: cake, pyjamas, her phone, her “grumpy eyes”. They are to always be in stick format, by which it is meant that Mummy’s tummy is to be represented by a vertical line and not a “ginormous” circle.
5) Thou shalt not use Mr Bloom’s name in vain.
He is not “boring” and does not have a “silly hat”. His veggies are actually totally cool, as are his wellies. Paw Patrol is boring but you don’t hear us moaning do you? Suck it up kiddos. We’re watching!
6) Honour your father and mother.
Well mostly your mother. Honour your father too sometimes, but only when he is in agreement with your mother.
7) Thou shalt not bear false witness against your sibling.
“So we’re saying that your little brother ate the biscuit and just saved all the crumbs to apply liberally to your face? That’s what we’re saying is it…?”
8) Thou shalt not covet* thine neighbours Cosy-Coupe.
*Coveting is to include the following:
– Screaming “Miiiiiiinee caaaarrr!” like a banshee.
– Kicking and/or biting.
– Refusing to acknowledge that it even belongs to anyone other than yourself.
– Refusing to acknowledge the blue one which IS actually yours and is unoccupied.
– Trying to climb into the pink one which IS occupied.
– Dragging other small humans out of occupied versions.
– Actual coveting.
9) Thou shalt not commit “adultery”.
By which we mean thou shalt not bother doing the whole adult thing. Instead thou shalt stay a teeny tiny bundle of squish so that we shall pick you up and do cuddles forever.
10) I am your world, your mum. You shall have no other love before me.