Humour · Parenting

The Ten Commandments – According to Mummy.


1)  Thou shalt not spill.

Or if thou shalt spill thou shalt make sure thou is not anywhere that there is carpet.  (Preferably in the garden.)

2) Thou shalt not steal.

Not even in those shops where all the good stuff is lined up right next to the tills and at your perfect grabbing height* at a time when Mummy will generally be too busy trying to find her purse from the abyss of her changing bag to notice what you’re doing.

*I mean how many adults would prefer to pick up a Kinder Egg from a shelf just 6 inches off the floor now? Seriously supermarkets.  I’m looking at you! *grumpy eyes*

3) Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it Holy.

So no waking us up at any type of hour that could be considered unholy.  Please and thank you.

4) Thou shalt not make any graven images of Mummy.

All drawings of Mummy are to illustrate her beaming smile, angelic nature and to include flowers and hearts.  They are not to include the following: cake, pyjamas, her phone, her “grumpy eyes”.  They are to always be in stick format, by which it is meant that Mummy’s tummy is to be represented by a vertical line and not a “ginormous” circle.

5) Thou shalt not use Mr Bloom’s name in vain.

He is not “boring” and does not have a “silly hat”.  His veggies are actually totally cool, as are his wellies.  Paw Patrol is boring but you don’t hear us moaning do you? Suck it up kiddos.  We’re watching!

6) Honour your father and mother.

Well mostly your mother.  Honour your father too sometimes, but only when he is in agreement with your mother.

7) Thou shalt not bear false witness against your sibling.

“So we’re saying that your little brother ate the biscuit and just saved all the crumbs to apply liberally to your face? That’s what we’re saying is it…?”

8) Thou shalt not covet* thine neighbours Cosy-Coupe. 

*Coveting is to include the following:

– Screaming “Miiiiiiinee caaaarrr!” like a banshee.
– Kicking and/or biting.
– Refusing to acknowledge that it even belongs to anyone other than yourself.
– Refusing to acknowledge the blue one which IS actually yours and is unoccupied.
– Trying to climb into the pink one which IS occupied.
– Dragging other small humans out of occupied versions.
– Actual coveting.

9) Thou shalt not commit “adultery”.

By which we mean thou shalt not bother doing the whole adult thing.  Instead thou shalt stay a teeny tiny bundle of squish so that we shall pick you up and do cuddles forever.

10) I am your world, your mum. You shall have no other love before me.


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83 thoughts on “The Ten Commandments – According to Mummy.

    1. Definitely. For the sake of expanding one’s knowledge of course. You may have to try to overlook the wellies and questionably hat, but for a person that hangs out with veggies all day he’s definitely worthy of a Google. 😂 x

  1. Haha imagine if this was actually implemented what a breeze parenting would hold be.
    I tell you what blows a kids mind when you see Mr Bloom ding story time and he is normal self, try telling that to a kid they will totally reject it and will not believe you in no shape or form, haha!


  2. Dawn I can’t believe you have a notion of Mr Bloom! Maybe I’m letting the kids watch Nick jr. too often… Turning over to Cbeebies for a look tomorrow! #DreamTeam

  3. Fabulous! So clever! The Cosy-Coupe scenario seems particularly familiar and I liked the one about mummy being drawn in stick form. My daughter has a thing about my husband having a particularly big head and always draws him about 5 times the size of the rest of us! Haha. #dreamteam

  4. A friend of mine had an almighty crush on Mr Bloom! She would not be impressed if her littles attempted to disparage him. Your post made me smile especially the bit about coveting. I have four kids and a collection of ride ons, coupe cars and still the fights are endless.

  5. 6 is my favourite! Having said that you brought back a memory of my daughter stealing a pink phone from Tesco once upon a time and me not realising until we got home. #DreamTeam

  6. Thanks for hosting #DreamTeam
    Your Ten Commandments post had me in stitches!
    And now I just need to see who in heckfire Mr Bloom is. Anything to get rid of that bloody Paw Patrol.

  7. I LOVE this post Dawn! The end commandment is my favourite, but also the drawings too. I absolutely agree that there should be mummy ‘stick form’ portraits With all the smiles and absolutely no *coughs frowning eyebrows and sticking up hair. #DreamTeam xx

  8. Little Miss OMG was such kleptomaniac when in her pram. The sneaky decker would hide it under her blanket.

    Its worse now. She picks up a three pack of Kinder eggs and runs.


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