family · Humour · Rhyme

My Womb is a Squash and a Squeeze.

A Parody.

Based (very loosely) on the brilliant children’s book “A Squash and a Squeeze” by Julia Donaldson*.

Image shows a sketch of a stork carrying a bundle with pink bow

​There was a young woman who lived by herself
With a fair pair of boobs and a strong pelvic shelf.

A lovely young man heard her grumble and grouse.
“There’s not enough room in my house.
Fit young man, won’t you help me please?
My house is a squash and a squeeze.”

“Move in with me.” Said the fit young man.
“Let’s have a baby! That sounds like a plan!”

Well the lady got pregnant, (We won’t discuss how,)
And before she could blink was the size of a cow.

The pregnant young lady cried “What shall I do?
My tummy’s for one, it’s all stretchy for two!

My boobs are ginormous. I pee when I sneeze.
My womb is a squash and a squeeze!”

And she said, “Fit young man, won’t you help me please?
My womb is a squash and a squeeze”.

“Let’s have another!” Replied the young man.
“Another?” She cried. “What a curious plan?”

Well the lady got lucky and knocked up once more,
And she waddled around picking toys off the floor.

The knackered young mother cried out “Bugger me!
My body’s for one it was not meant for three!!

A bump and a toddler that climbs on my head?
I’m picking up toys when I should be in bed!

My cleavage is now swinging down by my knees!
My womb is a squash and a squeeze!”

And she said “tired young man, won’t you help me please?
My womb is a squash and a squeeze!”

“Take up the pill.” Said the grumpy young man.
“Take up the pill?  I’m not sure if I can?”

So she tried to remember one pill every day,
But she found that just sometimes life got in the way.

The middle-aged lady cried “Stop, I implore!
My body’s for one Sunshine, not sodding four!

My memories buggered, the house is a tip!
We’re not bloody risking it – GO GET THE SNIP!”

And she said “listen Pal, won’t you help me please?
It’s only a snip and a squeeze?”

“Okay then Love.” said the weary, tired man.
“I’ll go get it done just as soon as I can.”

So the op was completed, the years drifted past.
The Biggest One went off to preschool at last.

The calendar pages were turned one by one,
And in next to no time both her offspring were gone.

And she actually missed them – the crazy old fool,
And she cried as she waved them both off to Big School.

She looked down at her tummy, so saggy and round,
And she jiggled her boobs which were now on the ground.

And although she liked peace and the hot cup of teas,
There was no-one to squash and nobody to squeeze.

Yes she quite liked the peace and the hot cup of teas,
… but still needed to pee with each sneeze!

 

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* Dear Ms Donaldson.  I love you.  Possibly more than cake.  And I’m very very sorry!

 

This post originally featured on the fabulous Meet Other Mums blog page, for whom I am proud to be a regular blogger.

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124 thoughts on “My Womb is a Squash and a Squeeze.

  1. Hahaha I laughed out loud through this, but then I felt a little emotional at the end at the thought that there would be nobody to squash or squeeze!! Waaaahhh!! My husband had the snip after Harry, I was fine with it at the time but I do feel a bit sad to think that my saggy old womb won’t ever hold another baby! #bigpinklink
    five little doves recently posted…A bump in the roadMy Profile

  2. Haha fab! I’ve never actually read the original story. My partner keeps threatening to get the snip, but he’s too scared to go through with it! #DreamTeam

    1. My hubby didn’t want anyone to know at all – until he’d had it done. Now he wants a badge and everything! It’s like a rite of passage apparently? (I didn’t really ask him to do it btw. He volunteered believe it or not! 😉 ) The original is fab – not a vasectomy in sight haha. Thank you x

  3. Oh I giggled my way through this but oh I really am with you on them no longer being at home – mine are teens and I’m feeling it hugely! I miss them but they’re here – it’s a strange emotion. Anyway just wonderful as always and I think Mrs Donaldson would love you! #DreamTeam

  4. You capturede the thoughts of a woman, becoming a mom perfectly! I loved reading it! And yes, the time just flies by with kids. I also cannot believe mine are in school already. But the silence is so relaxing, isn’t it?;) x #DreamTeam

  5. Oh you are genius! I love this! My fave yet. I will no longer be able to read that book without laughing and thinking of yours. I am also printing this off as I have been trying to persuade Mr C to get the snip for my “memory is buggered” 😉 #dreamteam

    1. Oh hope the print out works for you! If it helps the hubby said it was “nothing” and considers it a status symbol. Think he likes to have something to throw back at me if I complain about the pushing out of tiny humans etc. Thanks so much hon x

    1. I must admit that there is an element of time travel involved in this one as my two aren’t quite at big school stage yet either, but one is at nursery and even that is surreal so I can only imagine how it will feel with an empty house when the time comes? But yes. I have no doubt that the pee / sneeze issue will be omnipresent. Hmmf. Thanks Kirsty x

  6. I am NOT sucking up, but seriously, when is your little book of parenting poetry coming out?! This is my FAVOURITE of yours. I love that book and this is a brilliant take on it. I’m not sure I’ll be able to read it with a straight face now :-0
    #DreamTeam

  7. This is honestly my favourite blog post i’ve read in a good couple of months. I am off to post it on my facebook page. This needs lots of sharing. Bravo! #dreamteam

  8. “Boobs on the ground” that’s me! I’d consider another baby just to get some nice boobs again! Love this rhyme, had me in stitches! I’ve not read the original book so now I must go and buy it, although I suspect it won’t be as funny as your version #DreamTeam

    1. You definitely should get the original hon – it’s one of my kids’ faves – although I’m not sure they’d be so keen on my version haha. Ah pregnancy boobs are the best aren’t they? I’m now sporting more of a “sock with marble in the bottom” look now. It’s nice! 🙈😂 Thanks lovely x

  9. This was so good! I’m amazed my pelvic muscles appear to be stronger now! But perhaps my new found ability to have no time to pee with little man!
    I feel you with the missing them once they’re gone. When he goes off to nannys I miss the cuddles!! #dreamteam

    1. I’m very impressed! To be fair I also seem to be able to go all day without a tiddle now as it’s just never high enough up on my priority list. Unless I sneeze – then it’s game over. Maybe that’s why!? Maybe there is nothing wrong with my pelvic floor at all? Maybe I just need to go more than once a day…? 😂 Thank you hon x

  10. Another excellent rhyme based on a total classic! There’s definitely some squashing and squeezing going on over here too – mostly linked to skinny jeans ha ha!

    Thanks, thanks a million, thanks without end for sharing! (Did you get the JD link there?!)

    #coolmumclub xx
    MMT recently posted…#coolmumclub Linky week 50My Profile

  11. Love the poem and I feel for your for womb! It was as you probably know an old rabbinical tale which of course was adapted by JD to incorporate the wise old man (the rabbi). Happy weekend 🙂 jo #bigpinklink

    1. I didn’t know that, although I did get a sense of the wise old man being the rabbi. That makes sense now that you’ve explained it! Oh dear. Does this mean than I have destroyed a beloved tale of people’s faith as well as a JD poem? I’m so sorry! 🙈 Thank you for reading and your lovely comment Jo. Have a great weekend. Dawn x

    1. Thank you so much Mary. I must confess I actually only have two (but it is confusing in the rhyme I know – it just feels like 4 most of the time. 😂) I’m not sure I could advise on very much at all but I could start a “can anyone please tell me how to” column for sure! Thanks so much for popping by and following. Dx

  12. Oh I loved this – what a brilliant parody of one of my favourite children’s books (and I think I will have this version going around in my head when we next read it!) The ending did make me feel a little sad though – that reminder that those hectic preschool days don’t last forever and while the sleep-deprivation is definitely not missed, having little ones to squash and squeeze is something that I think I will miss too. #coolmumclub
    Louise (Little Hearts, Big Love) recently posted…Friday Focus 09/12/16 – Preparing for the Christmas concertMy Profile

    1. Thank you for your comment Louise! I’m not quite at that stage yet either but I can already sense how emotional it’s going to be to wave them off to school and come home to an empty house! They do drive me potty half the time, but I’m trying to stock up on the squashes and squeezes while I can. Thanks lovely xx

  13. OMG, having read this book like a squillion times to my two squids your poem was a far funnier and entertaining read (sorry Ms Donaldson).
    “It seems to me you’ve written a clever parody wheeze,
    from that age old classic – a squash and a squeeze.”
    And that is where I leave the poetry and slink off leaving the rhyming very much to you! Have an awesome Xmas. xxx #chucklemums

  14. Oh I love this! There’ll ALWAYS be someone to squash and squeeze but I hope your womb enjoys the recovery time. I haven’t actually read this book, probably the only JDons one not to grace my shelf yet, but if I do I’ll think of you 🙂 Thank you for linking up to the last #Chucklemums, it’s been a blast! Look out for a possible reincarnation next year…
    Mouse, Moo and Me Too recently posted…#70: Cast Iron Stomach 0 – Norovirus 1My Profile

  15. Oh Dawn I love it! So funny, that fit young man has a lot to answer for haha. The end made me give my baby boy an extra big cuddle as theye do really grow so fast xx #coolmumclub

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