Humour · Poem · Rhyme

Dear Spiders. F*** Off!

Yep. Those who pop by frequently might have to read that twice.
My previous blog posts have all been fluffy and quite nice?

A little out of character, but said with no regrets.
It’s just that each October I appear to have Tourettes.

All cosy in the evening I’ll be sitting peacefully,
When suddenly I’m up and shrieking “B*LL**KS! SH*T! F**K ME!!”

A world full of arachnids lurk and wait for me all stealth.
Each Hell bent on a mission to f**k up my mental health.

I see them all accumulate around each gate and door,
And now and then a cocky b*st**d struts across my floor.

I bought a spider grabber but the stupid beasts are thick!
Confused by all the bristles they just scuttle up the stick!

And so my new objective is DESTROY instead of catch.
I’m fully locked and loaded with some hairspray and a match…**

And when I find the tw*tting thing I’ve worked out what to do,
I’ll pounce just like a ninja and I’ll stroke it with my shoe.

I’ll run about in circles, mad and shuddery and wild…
… Then rush to gain composure as I turn to face my child!


A momentary *face palm* as I realise I’ve been spied.
Then take the squished up spider bits to be “released” outside!

“It’s just a little spider kids” I mumble with a cough.
My face appears serene whilst thinking “SPIDERS!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! F**K OFF!!!”

I tend to spend October with my heart rate rather high,
Alert for things that scuttle in the corner of my eye.

There’s just no respite to be found, in this, my month of need,
I snuggle into bed and rummage through my Facebook feed,

When scrolling with my finger I am taken by surprise!
Am image of some hairy 8 legged f**ker hits my eyes!

A photo of some creepy beast, so close I see each hair.
Posted by some kindly friend who thought they’d like to share?

Yeah thanks for that you b*st**ds!
Such a thoughtful thing to do!
Stop taking f**king pictures and just HIT IT WITH A SHOE!

“House spiders cannot hurt you.” People nonchalantly scoff.
It’s kind of you to say so, but you too can please f**k off!

They maybe don’t wield weapons but they bloody hurt my brain,
And use their many creepy legs to drive me half insane.

So just for these few weeks please do excuse my frenzied rage,
And multiple profanities that lurk within this page.

Once spider season’s over all goodwill shall be resumed.
Unless you’ve got 8 legs.
In which case:

Please F**k Off! You’re doomed!

**I don’t actually do this.  Don’t ever do this.   Not ever.

Image shows a big piece of cheesecake.
No spider pictures on here my friends. You’re welcome! :0)
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152 thoughts on “Dear Spiders. F*** Off!

  1. Do you know I NEARLY didn’t open this post after it dropping into my mailbox as I was concerned there may be a picture of a spider!! I love your new potty mouthed side and I am totally with you. I am normally too scared to go near enough to them to either kill or catch them which is kind of a nightmare if I’m home alone. I have resorted to trying to trap them in a big pot that I kind of throw towards them then leaving them there until somebody else comes ??

    Somebody told me putting conkers by your doors can stop them coming in? Anything is worth a go, right? and I bet your tots will collect some for you!

    1. I hate them hate them hate them. If Daddy Pig is home he gets deployed to deal with them, but he’s a “faffer” and spends too long looking for implements to catch it. In the meantime the beast has usually scuttled into hiding and so we generally have to move house. It’s the only solution. I’m going out this afternoon to a forest. There might be conkers! I shall look! (Although would this mean that technically woods with conkers in should be spider free? Erm. I spot a flaw in this plan…) Still. Worth a shot! 😉 Happy spider season. Hope you get through it unscathed xx

  2. Your post couldn’t be anymore relevant to me today. A big lanky one turned up this morning. Feeling morally godlike I caught it under a glass, let Sam look at the “pider”… opened the window…. lifted the edge of the glass… and accidentally decapitated the bloody thing! So I pretended it was still alive and said “bye bye Mr Spider have a nice day” Sam is still sat waving at it crumpled up on the patio! ? Fab rhyme as always, you are super talented! Xx

  3. I’ve never been a spider hater until this summer, when one of those eigh legged beasts crawled up my pants leg and bit me. It swelled up, blistered, and I thought I had the flu! I havd to take antibiotics for 1 month! You need a friend in this time of need? I’m your gal! #BigPinkLink

    1. I do I do! Thank you. I shall take strength from your tale of courage and survival. I mean at least the ones I’m likely to bump into don’t bite? Your a true hero and an inspiration! Sending cake (and a big heavy shoe for next time). xx

  4. Pahahahahahahaha, this is brilliant. You need to get sweary more often.
    As for spiders, they dont bother me too much. I attribute this to being a farmers daughter and thus having spent my life in old cobweby buildings. As long as they stick to the ceiling or walls we get along just fine.

    1. Thanks Michelle! A couple of people have mentioned conkers. I’m a bit dubious as they come from woods – where all the spiders are kept haha. It’s definitely worth a shot though! I hadn’t really heard of it before now and I’ll be overjoyed if it works! x

  5. Hi Dawn, sorry it took me two days to get here, but it was worth the wait. I keep meaning to get one of those spider grabbers as I can’t bring myself to stroke the little buggers with my shoe! A perfect read to start the day!


    1. Morning Debbie! Aw thank you for popping by. They are pretty good for the big ones that you can’t otherwise get to (with a shoe), but I still can’t bring myself to faff with them so in most cases Daddy Pig is summoned. I like to know it’s there though for when I’m home alone! Thank you for sharing your gorgeous baby turtles post. It’s the perfect antidote to all things spider! xx

  6. I had to report in from over here at #chucklmums. Apparently at the school clean up this past weekend, a spider crawled up my pants leg and but me 8 times, at least. I am horrified and headed to the showers again, at even just the typing of this note! Argh…. #chucklemums xoxo

  7. Oh my GOD!! Amazing!! I think this might be your finest one ever?!!! Because, I hate those hairy toss pieces too, and you know me, I’m quite fond of all the swears, one of my favourite forms of self expression!! I’ve tried, but unfortunately failed, to keep my fear of spiders hidden from the children. Now, when my eldest sees one, he screams ‘MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY!!!’ Like he’s being murdered, but when I ask what’s wrong, he very nonchalantly says ‘oh, it’s just a spider, but you’re scared, so I thought I should let you know quickly…’ I’m sure it won’t be long until they’re both terrified…!

    1. Aw bless your little man! Your very own spider alarm! I’m thrilled that my two don’t seem to have picked it up from me just yet. In fact I seem to have the opposite issue. Miss Tot has been known to pass me one as a surprise gift. #poopedmypants #calmface #screamedinmyhead Thanks for your fabulous hostessing geniusness! 🙂 x

  8. I did have to read your poem title twice because you’re not renowned for all the swears by a long chalk. A thoroughly entertaining poem, loved it and all your rhyming of swearage too! I personally can’t stand a Daddy Long legs- especially a crazed one that looks like it’s a contestant on strictly in a confined space like the bathroom…arrrgh. Not to keen on a meatier house/garden spider either, the husband has to dispose of those *swears* buggers! x #chucklemums

    1. Ah now you see I can deal with the Daddy long legs. In fact I generally have to as Daddy Pig is less than keen. I was told they are actually the most poisonous creature on earth – but just have no method with which to deliver the venom into their victims. Kind of a vital flaw really? I feel a bit sorry for them now. Like a dastardly villain that just isn’t quite clever enough to pull off the crime? Thanks for your comment! X

  9. I hate spiders. When my daughter was a baby a spider ran across her cheek whilst she was on the playmat. I realised my maternal instinct hadn’t quite kicked in when lunged at her then ran screaming. #chucklemums

  10. Ah you know me, I love a liberally sprinking of swears! This was my favourite verse:
    “All cosy in the evening I’ll be sitting peacefully,
    When suddenly and I’m up and shrieking “B*LLOCKS! SH*T! F*CK ME!!””

    Fabulous use of expletives.


    1. Who knew that swear words can be rhymed too? It’s opened up a world of opportunity for me haha. Ooh and thanks for the quote – it alerted me to a rogue ‘and’ which I’d missed! 😉 Not only an awesome host but a very clever editor too! Thanks hon – and thanks for hosting #chucklemums x

    1. On your shoulder?? Bugger me – that would have been the end of me. I mean at least if there’s one on your leg you can like rip it off or something but on your shoulder??? *silent scream* Sending wine. Lots and lots of wine xx

  11. Oh Dawn I like this darker side of yours 😉
    I have a major 8 legged related problem at the moment…about a month ago I took a bag of wine bottles (erm, and jam jars of course) to the tip, and spotted a TARANTULA fall off the bag and disappear into the boot! It’s been a stressful month given we only have one car! Needless to say I’m suddenly very ‘carbon conscious’ walking everywhere I can, and on the case for an upgrade x
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub!

    1. Oh Dear Lord! A spider loose in the car?? Ok. So I’m going to help by saying that cars have loads of vents and things so it will definitely have crawled out and be long gone by now. Either that or it will have crawled onto your engine and combusted in a little poof of spidery smoke. Ooh yeah that one. I like that one! ? #sellthecar #orgiveitaway Thanks for hosting! Xx

  12. Hahaha brilliant. I hate spiders! I was really worried about opening the post in case it had a picture of one. My brother once bought me a spider catcher and for some reason, the people who made it though it would be good to include a plastic spider with it. Surely the reason anyone buys a spider catcher is because they hate spiders!!! I promptly screamed and through the package across the room! Hubby disposed of the plastic spider in the bin. But about an hour later (once I’d calmed down) I went to put something in the bin and screamed again, having forgotten it was in there. #CoolMumClub

    1. I think I may have bought the exact same spider catcher!! I’d forgotten about that little delight until you said. Yep – how considerate of them to send a pretend one for us to practice with! I was actually really adept at catching the plastic one. That didn’t move. The first actual one that I went for just laughed at me and scuttled up the stick so I resorted to using it to bash it repeatedly over the head Instead. That did it! It is pretty good for catching daddy long legs though if nothing else. Thanks for reading Lucy x

  13. Stupid spider season! Our flat is full of them at the moment, and my cat is not the least bit interested in hunting them. You’d think he’d be happy to have something living to chase down, but no. He lets them crawl around and surprise me in the shower. Thanks for nothing, cat. #coolmumclub

    1. Ugh how rude? To be fair our cat seems to be pretty good at dealing with them now as I don’t see many live ones in the house but have come across a couple of battle torn spider corpses. *fist pump* She hasn’t always been like this though. I once remember her bringing in a giant, live one through the cat flap to play with in the kitchen. So not impressed. She then went on to fetch other presents instead including a bird feeder and my personal favourite – a big slice of spam. Yup. Champion hunter my cat. ? x

  14. I loved this post so much! I am suffering an arachnid invasion myself here in WA state, the rain drives them to search out the indoors and I spend months trying not to cry and pull a blowtorch on the ugly little bastards.

    Thanks for linking up with #momsterslink and I hope I’m doing justice as the guest host!

  15. I think you might be telling me where to go. I don’t mind spiders. I wouldn’t like one crawling up my arm but I do let them live. small ones can stay. Large one I catch and out outside. Your poem really made me laugh though. #momsterlink

  16. aahaha this is fantastic! I loathe spiders with a passion, Husband always tries to release them, if he’s not looking I just squash the f*&$ers! x #momsterlink

    1. Why do they feel the need to do that?? Why release it outside just so that it can scuttle back in when it fancies? I *might* have been known to follow the hubby outside with his captor and then stamp on it once he isn’t looking. Not coming back in now you little freakish beast are ya? Nope! (Sorry. I genuinely am quite a nice person under usual circumstances ? It’s just because spiders!!! ?) Thank you xx

  17. Haha this sounds like something my husband should have written! He HATES spiders with a passion, he actually wakes me up some nights if he sees one in the bathroom and I have to remove it for him! I don’t mind them to be honest, I hate squashing them, I go mad at the kids if they do, and always rescue them and put them safely outside. Sorry!! Haha! #momsterslink

    1. Can I have your number please? I need a list of people to call if I find one in my bathroom. At least your hubby only wakes you – I would be inclined to wake the entire street and order an evacuation! I have no objection at all to them not being squashed, just as long as they’re not squashed at your house and not being not squashed within a 50 mile radius of mine! ? Thank you lovely Laura xx

  18. Spiders really creep me out so much. Though I’m not afraid of house spiders but my 9 year old is terrified of them. If he sees one I end up with a bed partner for a week! LOL! He will literally not go in whatever room that spider was in for a week. One time a spider was hanging over his computer… Yeah, a whole week went by without that thing getting turned on once. The upside to that was it saved on my electric bill, LOL! Popping over from #momsterlink

    1. Just the one week? He did well! I would have probably thrown the computer out of the window. Probably a good job that he has you to help him out with it, and that my two seem ok so far. I’d be useless if one of them climbed into my bed having seen a spider. We’d all be assembled on the front lawn not daring to go back in the house haha. Thanks Michelle xx

  19. Oh I love this! I only had a huge freak out this morning over a spider. I went into the bathroom to put the shower on and there in the bathroom was a HUGE 8 legged fella waiting to pounce. I screamed. Youngest who is three came in to find my trying to act brave aka quaking and sobbing in the corner and told me “oh mummy that is nothing! He is tiny” That’s me told. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    1. So you mean you have raised a genuine spider hunter upon whom you can call night or day?? Finally a little bit of payback for all of the contractions! High five to your little hero! If only my two were so obliging. They would be more likely to find one and put it in my pocket as a “gift”! Thanks for hosting 🙂 x

  20. Oh no! I used to have a terrible fear of spiders and once called my mum at work to tell her I had one in my flat. I’m not sure what I thought she could do about it. I was living in Japan at the time. #fridayfrolics

  21. Haha, this made me laugh out loud. You write so well! I can completely relate to your spider fear – little spiders are tolerable, but recently I’ve seen some massive ones and they scare the life out of me. My little girl has a fascination with them though, and because I’ve taken less terrifying insects outside to be ‘freed’ before, she expects me to do the same with huge spiders! It’s quite a predicament…. #momsterlink

    1. I know exactly what you mean. I can pretty much cope with the little ones (unless they go all scuttley which is not to be tolerated!) It’s the big beasty house spiders that send me over the edge. I just can’t cope and turn into an instant jibbering wreck! 😉 Wishing you a spider free autumn. Thanks lovely! ? x

  22. Love it! I hate them! They must die – I will not have them released and coming back! I just tell silly sods going on about them not harming you that it is completely normal and reasonable to fear them – the way they move is so alien to us that it should feel abhorrent. So clearly people who aren’t bothered are the weirdos, not us!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time.

  23. **creepy voice** “They’re baaackkk”
    I have them too, all over the kitchen. Quite unwelcome guests, but I know its temporary so I will patiently wait out and vacuum daily of course. Good luck! #dreamteam

  24. I am so with you! I hate them with a passion and what’s more, is having to pretend I don’t mind them in front of the Little Man so he doesn’t get scared of them! #DreamTeam

  25. I know how you feel! in rain season we get Wolf Spiders that jump down at you from the wall! My child learns a few new words every time.. ? Not very nice words unfortunately… #dreamteam

  26. I don’t actually mind spiders too much (unless they’re huge and tarantula like obviously) but it’s a good thing as I have to get rid of them in our house as Mr S.H.I.T. and one of my daughters absolutely HATE them, properly freak out hate. Snakes on the other hand…luckily they don’t pop up in our homes in the UK. #DreamTeam

    1. Yeah I’m in the properly freaks out camp too. Literally terrified. Nothing else bothers me though so I’d be happy to take on a few snakes. It’s typical that the one thing that scares the bejesus out of me is also the only uninvited guest likely to scuttle across my bed at 3am! *whimpers*.

  27. Had myself a great out of belly laugh – brilliant. I hate spiders and in our area we have those tiny hop spiders – whenever you try and hit them they hop somewhere else – so annoying.#dreamteam

    1. Eek. I found myself Googling different types of house spider in the UK yesterday (in the vain hope that knowledge might be power and all that?). I believe they could be zebra jumping spiders. Hate them too. Just because they’re stripey does not make them cute, or any less likely to have a close encounter of the shoe variety! ? x

  28. This is the best thing I’ve read in ages! I’m completely with you. The time of the year I hate the most when the evil things seem to be everywhere you turn and I feel constantly on edge. The people who share photos of them are just as bad.


    1. Thank you lovely. I am sending you all of the virtual cake. The fear is real at this time of year! I wake up in the night and have to check my duvet for spiders. My husband is thrilled when I want the light on at 3am as you can imagine! ?

  29. Haha! We have lots of spiders living in and around our house at the moment, its the season of cobwebs! May as well go for the haunted mansion/Halloween look early! #DreamTeam

  30. Brilliant. I’m loving the raw and honest edginess to this poem. You really feel the love! My house is home to a very special creature… Whisky the spider crunching cat! I think I might have a new business idea… I’ll rent her out to you all when spider season is upon us. Only the really brave spiders dare to sneak into our place. She’s a real ninja! #dreamteam

    1. Aaaaggghhh! I may never eat toast again! I once found one in a cup as I got it out of the cupboard and I haven’t been able to pick up a cup without checking since. Scarred I tell you! ? Rhyming with Profanity!? I like it!! ? Thanks Becky x

  31. Ah yes I have to get hubby to deal with the dreaded things. I’ve heard conkers work too so every window sill will feature these natural beauties to deter them from entering. #DreamTeam

  32. I am seriously terrified of spiders…have been known to squash one under a copy of the yellow pages and then leave it there festering for weeks because I was too scared to get close enough to get rid of it! And that’s my issue with all these spider catching implements – you have to get really close to the spider to catch them and if I did get that close the F***ers would obviously jump up and bite my face off!!! Don’t even get me started on the pictures on Facebook! Seriously…why would anyone do that??!!!! #dreamteam

    1. Yes yes yes! The photos on Faceache literally make me want to cry. I always find them just as I have a little scroll before bed. Then I’m left wide awake with an 8 legged image emblazened into my brain. Sweet dreams then!? Nope! ? I think underneath a Yellow Pages is exactly the right place to keep all the spiders. My mum turns a vase upside down on top of them and then just leaves them. Personally I prefer just moving house. ? xx

  33. Hahaha, LOVE this but definitely don’t love spiders. I’m definitely liking this more sweary side to the blog, spiders make me say all sorts too, surprised my eldest hasn’t got a more umm colourful vocabulary haha xx #dreamteam

  34. Oh Dawn, you crack me up! I’m afraid to say that I get my husband to take them (alive) outside except…. I’ve got a little attached to a few that live in my bathroom and generally like to have a chat to them while I’m having a wee. They seem to respect the fact that I allow them to live in their one area and so don’t venture beyond… but if they break the rules, they’re out. I’m such a pushover… #dreamteam

    1. Oh but I really like you! And now I’m not sure if we can be friends any more? It just wouldn’t work if I came to your house and went for a wee… and then came out looking a bit sheepish having burned down your entire bathroom? ?? Just kidding lovely. Whilst ever they are living in your bathroom they’re not in mine and that’s just fine and dandy by me! ?xx

  35. I absolutely detest the bastards! Unfortunately I have passed my fear on to my little lady. My husband is not too happy! I think I can cope with just about anything else! #dreamteam

    1. I’m with you Susan! My biggest little bounced into an occupied web on her trampoline the other day and ran screaming towards me with an 8 legged passenger. All composure went out of the window and I was torn between running away and rescuing her from the sizeable beast! I did save her you’ll be pleased to know, but I think we’re both now scarred for life! ??? x

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