Yep. Those who pop by frequently might have to read that twice.
My previous blog posts have all been fluffy and quite nice?
A little out of character, but said with no regrets.
It’s just that each October I appear to have Tourettes.
All cosy in the evening I’ll be sitting peacefully,
When suddenly I’m up and shrieking “B*LL**KS! SH*T! F**K ME!!”
A world full of arachnids lurk and wait for me all stealth.
Each Hell bent on a mission to f**k up my mental health.
I see them all accumulate around each gate and door,
And now and then a cocky b*st**d struts across my floor.
I bought a spider grabber but the stupid beasts are thick!
Confused by all the bristles they just scuttle up the stick!
And so my new objective is DESTROY instead of catch.
I’m fully locked and loaded with some hairspray and a match…**
And when I find the tw*tting thing I’ve worked out what to do,
I’ll pounce just like a ninja and I’ll stroke it with my shoe.
I’ll run about in circles, mad and shuddery and wild…
… Then rush to gain composure as I turn to face my child!
A momentary *face palm* as I realise I’ve been spied.
Then take the squished up spider bits to be “released” outside!
“It’s just a little spider kids” I mumble with a cough.
My face appears serene whilst thinking “SPIDERS!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! F**K OFF!!!”
I tend to spend October with my heart rate rather high,
Alert for things that scuttle in the corner of my eye.
There’s just no respite to be found, in this, my month of need,
I snuggle into bed and rummage through my Facebook feed,
When scrolling with my finger I am taken by surprise!
Am image of some hairy 8 legged f**ker hits my eyes!
A photo of some creepy beast, so close I see each hair.
Posted by some kindly friend who thought they’d like to share?
Yeah thanks for that you b*st**ds!
Such a thoughtful thing to do!
Stop taking f**king pictures and just HIT IT WITH A SHOE!
“House spiders cannot hurt you.” People nonchalantly scoff.
It’s kind of you to say so, but you too can please f**k off!
They maybe don’t wield weapons but they bloody hurt my brain,
And use their many creepy legs to drive me half insane.
So just for these few weeks please do excuse my frenzied rage,
And multiple profanities that lurk within this page.
Once spider season’s over all goodwill shall be resumed.
Unless you’ve got 8 legs.
In which case:
Please F**k Off! You’re doomed!
**I don’t actually do this. Don’t ever do this. Not ever.