family · Humour · Parenting · Rhyme

Potty Training: The Rules

Image shows a large Eeyore donkey teddy sat on a potty in a living room.

We’ve started potty training as The Boy has now turned two.
If for no better reason than just “something fun to do?”

*straight face*

The Christmas tree’s a gonner and the room is bare and glum.
What better sight to fill it than my offspring’s streaking bum?


We read the training manual and we noted all the rules,
We thought it would be simple.
As apparently: we’re fools.

The books should be responsible in all the things they say,
To manage expectations in a more realistic way!

I feel there’s some confusion and it should be made quite clear:
1) Wrap all the things in cellophane considered to be dear!

At no point does it mention, hint, elude or dare to say:
2) That 2 year olds shall need to wee twelve thousand times a day.

3) Their sudden need to urinate shall take you by surprise,
Quite often whilst mid-shower with conditioner in your eyes.

4) There shall indeed be moments when the perfect thing to do,
Is “shoop” around the kitchen with a potty as a shoe?

5) The height of toddler fashion so it seems? Or failing that:
Apparently one’s potty makes a rather fetching hat?

6) You’ll need a bigger changing bag to carry all the stuff.
2 hundred pairs of trousers plus some pants should be enough?

7)  As while you’re out in public and he’s rocking his new pants.
He’ll count how many outfits he can pee on – just for ‘bants.

8) He’ll poo upon the potty ’til he cannot “poo no more!”
Then as you go to empty it he’ll sh*t upon the floor.

9) You’ll sniff at work and find perhaps you’ve been a tad remiss,
And notice that your coat might have the faintest scent of wee.

10) A 50 min delay should now be set for all your plans.
Your shiny new agenda shall be mostly: Washing hands.

So far, throughout this mission it’s become quite clear to see
It’s not him that needs training.  It is actually me!

Your tiddler might have grasped his basic urge to wee and poo.
He might be potty ready now, but

Dear Grown Up…


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118 thoughts on “Potty Training: The Rules

  1. Ha! My daughter is coming up on two and I know potty training is in my future, but I just can’t quite picture how we’re going to get her to do it. She likes to tell us when she’s made a ‘caca’, but only after the fact, so that doesn’t really help. And she’s not at all bothered about sitting in her pee all day. I have a feeling potty training will be…interesting. #DreamTeam

  2. Hehe we’re just starting to potty train (read: toddler keeps whipping her nappy off to sit on the potty, but mummy is still in denial). I have to confess that this is not my favourite stage… #DreamTeam

  3. My little one has just started giving me her nappy when she’s done a poo. Another month or so and we’ll begin training. My golly, I don’t think I’m ready!!! #dreamteam

  4. We’ve finished potty training thank god, and only had one accident. She always needs a poo when I’m in the shower though, every time! Great poem ?? #DreamTeam

  5. You’re just brilliant, you really are. Potty training was my life on and off for the majority of last year and despite a few recent accidents I’m pleased to say it’s all done.
    PS. You got that book deal yet? If not, why not?

  6. Oh my goodness. We are at the very start of this journey as Baby Lighty is only 20 months, but we’re starting to get him used to the vocab (who knew you could say “have you done a poo?” 20,000 times a day?!). I see that I should stock up on cellophane now then?! #DreamTeam

    1. Yes yes. Lots of cellophane. Oh and the best tip another mum gave me… cheap pants x 1000 plus a small pair of scissors to keep in your bag in case of code brown incidents. Cut and chuck is definitely the way forward! πŸ˜‰ x

  7. NOPE! I was going to train Trix next week as it is half term here and thought I could keep us all in for the week… Easy! Then Hubbys work plans have changed and there is no way I am doing the whole week potty train inside now!
    Good luck with it… You’re a nutter.

    1. To be honest I think they’ve been quite similar. The Girl started really early and was dry in the house as long as she was nappy free for months. The Boy had none of that malarkey and just went straight to getting it when the time came, but ironically we made the leap mid January with each (and their birthdays are only 4 days apart so at exactly the same age!) Thanks Annette xx

  8. Ha ha excellent. I remember my first attempts to potty train my now 4.5 year old, it was a disaster – weed everywhere and we were both in tears. I gave it 6 months and waited until he was 2.5 and it took 3 days. Sometimes now I wish he was still in nappies and loo breaks when you’re out and about are such a pain.

    Anyway, i think your poem is hilarious and very funny. Good luck with this new stage and thanks for hosting!

    Yvadney x #DreamTeam

    1. I think you’re right in that there’s no point pushing it at all until they’re ready. I must admit he’s actually taken to it really well now. We’re a couple of weeks in and barely any accidents at all now. I think we’ve just about got it. The loo breaks are a pain though! Thanks so much hon x

  9. Oh god I don’t envy you. I hated potty training. But it’s such a great sense of achievement for you all when it’s done! Good luck πŸ™‚ #dreamteam

  10. Hahah this is hilarious… but has done nothing to allay the fact that I’m terrified of potty training ? Ideally i would like to hand my child to someone else for however long it takes to get them potty trained. That would be the dream. In reality I’m just going to be cleaning up a lot of wee and poo, aren’t I?! #DreamTeam

    1. Erm. Well I would be lying if I said that there wouldn’t be an element of that involved, but if I’m honest they kind of do it themselves. We’ve now trained two and I haven’t got a scooby how we’ve actually done it? ? Good luck when the time comes. You’ll be fine xx

  11. Love this! It brought back lots of memories from when we potty trained Leo last year. They really do wee loads don’t they?! Only now I have stopped taking out spare trousers and pants for leo!xx #dreamteam

  12. You are so funny this is great. My daughter once curled one out in our friends garden. Its something that will crop up at her 18th birthday I suspect.
    Best of British to you , it will happen eventually.
    (and then they regress)

  13. Fabulously entertaining, as always! Potty training is a bitch. No two ways about it! I did the totally naked method for a couple of days with bedsheets strewn all over the place. Drummed it up really big like it was going to be a party! (A big naked party? Sounds like a college thing….) I set up different little play stations in the house so they wouldn’t get terribly bored. Oh and had them sleep naked too. I have to say, it went better than expected! Best of luck to you! #DreamTeam

    1. Ooh a big naked toddler house party haha. Sounds a bit like what we ended up doing with for my first. Mostly as it was the only way she would use the potty so we just went with it. I think it’s a great idea! Thanks lovely x

  14. Oh god we’re going through this right now. I wanted to wait but the girl had other plans. She keeps putting her hands in the empty potty. I know one day it won’t be empty *shudder* Good luck! #DreamTeam

  15. I love this! Potty training is hard work isn’t it? I love the part about all of your plans going out of the window, we were house bound with ours for the few days it took to crack it! #dreamteam

  16. Ha ha, we had it really easy with our son, my daughter is a whole different story. I’m getting really fed up of contstantly changing the bath water and washing the bath mat as these seem to be her two favourite spots ?

  17. Ha Ha perfect description of potty training right there!! I waited til mine was nearly 3 so you are a lot braver than me!! Such a great way with words, brilliant rhyme. #DreamTeam x

  18. I lovely insight into your potty training experience. So many adults I see in a public bathroom I think could do with training too. In particular, learning to wash your hands before leaving #dreamteam

  19. My girl who will be 3 in April. She is now doing very well during the day. But my word at night – is a killer! Bed wetting is like the norm! I am so tired! lol! Thank you for hosting. Good luck with the Potty Training! xx #Dreamteam

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