Humour · Parenting · Poem · Rhyme · vlog

The Rules According to a Toddler… A Vlog by Motherhood: The Real Deal

A little while ago, the lovely Talya from Motherhood: The Real Deal contacted me and sent me a link to her fantastic vlog which showed her reading a poem about what goes on inside the mind of a toddler.   I watched it instantly (obvs), and once I’d got over how excited I was just to put a face to her hilarious, insightful and mind-blowing blog, I absolutely loved it!  Talya has a natural flair for reading poetry and she really knows how to bring the words to life.  You can therefore imagine what my reply was when she asked if I would perhaps fancy writing something for her to read!

And so, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I give you…


The one….  The only….  Talya….


The rules according to Toddler.
(by Little Man.  Aged 1 3/4.)

I sometimes have to wonder if I’m being raised by fools?
It’s hardly rocket science but they just can’t grasp the rules!

My mummy and my Daddy try their best but just don’t know,
And so I shall explain it.
Are you’re ready?
Here I go…

I think I’ll start with dinner time:
My plate – it must be RED!
Unless of course it’s windy, then it must be blue instead.

I really do like cheese though and I’m rather fond of toast.
But this in no way means I’ll be accepting cheese ON toast!

And if I’m having fun and throwing raisins on the floor,
Why do they take them off me when it’s clear I want some more?

My trousers are my favourite all day long.
‘Till 4 o’clock.
At which time I shall hate them and will strip to just one sock.

And sometimes let’s be honest, it’s just cruel that they’d deny,
Their only little boy to wear his wellies in July!

What’s so fascinating about walking in a line?
I like to chase in circles and I think that that’s just fine!

It’s common sense to me that if you take me in a bank,
I’m perfectly entitled to adopt “The Screeching Plank”.

And surely they can see my nappy’s warmer when it’s wet?
Yet when I warm a new one they get a bit upset?

Now why would any person go to bed when they are tired?
It surely must be better to be grumpy, stressed and wired?

And what is this obsession with them putting me to bed?
It has to be more practical to sleep stood up instead?

I’m quite concerned that Mummy has become a hygiene wuss.
It’s just a little toilet brush? It’s tasty?
Why the fuss?

I stick to simple words to make it clear what’s being said!
Unlike those silly grown ups spouting nonsense from their head.

I DO sense their frustration when they don’t get their own way,
And I try to understand the random noises that they say.

But it really isn’t tricky just to follow this short list.
I tell them all day long but they’re so desperate to resist?

They’ve got their own agendas and they pester all the time.
But life would be much better if they’d just abide by mine!


I can honestly say that I squeaked with excitement when I first saw Talya’s reading as I’ve never heard anyone else read one of my rhymes to me.  It was quite a surreal feeling and I am so thrilled to feature on her brilliant vlog.

Thank you Talya.  Sending #bloglove #bloghugs and, of course, cake!


Talya is the fabulous freelance writer & blogger at Motherhood: The Real Deal

Please do check out & subscribe to her new You Tube channel here:

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87 thoughts on “The Rules According to a Toddler… A Vlog by Motherhood: The Real Deal

  1. So funny! I would love to be a kid again and do all those things (well maybe not the one about the toilet brush…). Love posts where the #bloglove is shared! Talya is such good fun #FartGlitter

  2. This is very funny!
    And resonates of so well with our ToddlerMonster.
    They are like a different breed of human aren’t they. I just don’t understand the reasoning behind the eyes.
    Lila wanted a drink this morning: So i got what I thought was her favourite sippy down and poured the juice. For the love of god I may as well have been pissing in the sippy cup for the utter shapes she began cutting and screams that came from her. So we went through 4 other drinking chalice options. (i indulged her, what can I say)
    Of course she screamed harder as I poured the juice from cup to bloody cup and we ended up right back at the start with her ‘favourite’. Of course we did.
    She smiled sweetly and toddled off with her prize.
    I learned over the sink and counted to 10… (Not really, I swore into the fridge instead.)
    #fartglitter xxxxxx

    1. Your “ToddlerMonster” sounds very similar to ours. At least you have a range of chalices to offer. Ours will only drink out of one. Just that one. No other will do. He would rather dehydrate himself into oblivion than drink out of any of the other apparently torturous beakers that are on offer nowadays. Hmmf. Thanks for your comment hon. Sending chocolate (to keep in fridge and eat whilst swearing into it). 😉 xx

  3. Absolutely brilliant you sure you didn’t ask my 4 year old twins to write this so very funny thanks for hosting #fartglitter

  4. Absolutely LOVE this. I always enjoy reading your work and this made me laugh out loud. You must have read my toddlers mind 🙂

  5. Love this and it’s so true to what they’re thinking- you can see the confusion on their little faces when they just want you to read their minds! Funny xx #FartGlitter

  6. Love this! Especially the bit about the toilet brush – what is the obsession with that disgusting thing? The Popple is just barely a toddler at 14 months, so I’m just learning to come to grips with toddler logic. It seems like a steep learning curve. #fartglitter

  7. This is so funny, and again so true. I just read it aloud to my husband who laughed out loud, we really look forward to your rhymes, thank you so much! #fartglitter

  8. Ahahah this is hilarious! I loved hearing it read aloud too, Talya is brilliant. Eeep we aren’t quite at the toddler stage yet, I’m in for a whole world of pain aren’t I?! Although he did try and get the toilet brush the other day and when I managed to move it out of his reach he thought he’d try and put his hand into the toilet instead. All good fun…?! #fartglitter

    1. Yup. All the dirty filthy scrut holes of the planet… like candy to a toddler. I have been known to hyperventilate after taking my two into public toilets and seeing what they’re each attempting to prod / lick. *gags* I have also been known to yell “Just stop touching things!!” Repeatedly. Good luck. It’s fun. I’ll be waiting with the cake 😉 xx

  9. oh my gosh she reads it so well, such a hilarious poem. My fav was the part about liking cheese and toast but not cheese on toast, it’s so toddler logic isn’t it! I mean of course we would assume they would like that!!! #fartglitter

    1. Neither of my two will eat cheese ON toast. I mean why would they? They look at me as though I’m trying to poison them. I have to make sure it’s thoroughly deconstructed before they’ll entertain it. Thank you Mackenzie xx

  10. UGH! The video won’t load for me. I am sure due to the fact we have horrible internet and everyone in my household is on some kind of technical device or watching Netflix. Shhh don’t judge me. I love Talya and have always been a fan of her stuff. Thank you so much for hostessing the fab #fartglitter.

  11. I had a problem getting the blog to play it just kept buffering but I will try again. I loved the poem hun so many familiar things especially the plot colour and why would you walk in s straight line. Brilliant! #FartGlitter

  12. Oh I didnt know she had a you tube channel, going to check more of that out. Oh and I have a little one who loves to strip to just a sock around the witching hour, no idea why lol! #fartglitter

  13. Yayyyh! *claps excitedy* When two fab bloggers combine good things happen! Great poem (as always) and how lovely to see/hear it being read by Talya.
    Much as I don’t want my kids to grow up I have to admit I quite like the fact that they are marginally more sensible than when they were a toddler 🙂
    My son still somehow ends up with only one sock on at the age of almost 8!
    Thanks for hosting, loved this x #fartglitter

  14. The screeching plank!!! Ahahaha yep, I have one of those. Also how amazing is Tayla’s reading. No wonder you squealed. Really lovely and fab work as always 🙂 Thanks for linking up #FridayFrolics

  15. Ooh I love this – love you and Talya! I have a toddler who doesn’t see why I’m so obsessed with her not eating the toilet brush too!

    Thanks so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time

    1. Thanks so much for hosting Trista! I might be a bit of a no show this next week or two as I’m flying solo on #fartglitter and working (boo!) I’ll try my best, but if not I’ll definitely be back when normal service is resumed. Hugs xx

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