My mum has a brand new obsession of late.
With piling some green nonsense onto my plate.
She must be confused or not right in the head?
As it’s none of the three food-groups: cheese, jam or bread?
She’s attempted the usual tactics of course,
Like blending the stuff up and calling it “sauce”.
But really now who is she trying to fool?
I’m hardly a moron!? I’m nearly at school!
It is not a “small tree”.
I won’t fall for that trick.
She perhaps fails to realise I’m just not that thick!
I want my fears noted,
It’s frankly obscene .
So I’ll promptly respond with a fabulous scene.
I’ll deploy the techniques that I learned in my youth.
The “terrible two’s” they say. (Ain’t that the truth!?)
I shall prod it and push it around with my fork.
Then I’ll spend 20 minutes dissecting the stalk.
I’ll whinge right through dinner which should do the trick,
OR I’ll bring out the big guns and scream ’til I’m sick.
It’s me vs the green stuff and trust me I’ll win!
That sh*t’s heading nowhere – except for the bin!
My cred would be ruined, I’d be a disgrace
If I shovelled that healthy crap into my face.
I’ve a rep to protect now, threenagers unite!
We won’t stand for this blatantly nutritious sh*te!
So I thought that a get-out was there to be had,
And I’d found a new ally that answers to “Dad“.
“Stop giving him broccoli, it just goes to waste!
You know he won’t touch it. He won’t even taste!”
But The Mum is a strong one. She will not be swayed.
And thus the “small tree” game remains to be played.
And Dad’s figured out if she gives it to me,
There’ll be less of the stuff ending up in HIS tea.
So for now I’m resigned to accepting my fate.
I’ll make peace with the green thing invading my plate.
But I won’t bloody eat it. Of that there’s no doubt!
Or the next thing I know I’ll be eating a SPROUT!!
Still, Mum feels that somehow she’s getting her way,
Like showing me broccoli achieves 5 a day?
So onwards we’ll soldier, she will not give in,
And each day I’ll recycle it – straight to the bin.
Forever my nemesis, small tree of green.
May our battle continue… until I’m 18!