A brand new and sparkly tag has just hit Blogland from the brilliant comedy geniuses Fran and James. Together they are the keepers of the chortles over at #YouHaveToLaugh, and they have very kindly tagged me in to share my version of some stuff!
1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never …..
…Thought that I would utter the sentence “Have you just chocolated your turtle?”
2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?
This. This is the most annoying toy on the face of the Earth. It is some kind of
parental torture device matching game that comes with a selection of small picture cards. All of which were immediately posted around the house and into various radiators / electrical appliances. What we are left with is this little treasure which spins around singing the Peppa Pig theme tune on a loop at volumes that dolphins can detect in the North Sea. (We live near Leeds). I’m not entirely sure but I believe that the “wound” on Peppa’s chest that you can just make out here, could have been inflicted by myself. With a pen. In a fit of hysteria.
3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?
I like to think that I am highly experienced in both of these matters. I’ll go for the poo please. It takes a very special technique to get poo onto my face which luckily my two have yet to master. I have however had vomit launched upon my face and hair several times.
4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.
To be fair as long as the little puddle jumper isn’t spinning around on my kitchen table screeching at me (see above) I can actually cope with her. In fact I quite enjoy watching in the hope that Mr Fox will one day take his encouragement for his son’s rabbit hole adventures to the next level. Obviously Daddy pig was inspired by my hubby so there is more than a bit of entertainment to be had as I chortle to myself over that one too. Pat makes me irrationally cross at the world and begrudge purchasing stamps to fund the amount of ridiculously expensive paraphernalia that he evidently needs to post a sodding letter! So no. Pat takes it. He is not special and can barely be considered a delivery service.
5) What time constitutes a lie-in in your house now and how does this compare to your pre-child days?
0601 = Lie in.
0600 = Usual wake up time.
0559 = “Are you freaking kidding me offspring? Does it look like time to get up yet??”
Pre-children: I think that I may have once slept in past 10am. I’m not sure. It was quite a few years ago. It could just be a myth?
6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?
I am very much enjoying “cock-womble” but it is not suitable for genuine rage moments as I always want to giggle after I say it. I do have a very special word which I only ever use whilst driving, and it is the only swear word that seems to existing in my vocabulary once I get into the driving seat. That would be “Penarse!” Nope. No idea where I got it from but it now projects from my trap involuntarily every time someone cuts me up or doesn’t wave to say thanks when I let them out. (Penarses. All of them.)
7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.
It has to be The Code Brown Incident. (Yep. I did just link to my own post there!) With one exploding nappy The Boy managed to take down three sets of bedding, several towels, three teddies, the bathroom and the shower room. It was quite an impressive range to be fair.
8) There is no electricity and won’t be for the next week. NONE. After eating the contents of the freezer (assuming you have a gas cooker) what the hell do you do with yourself?
I would sleep peaceful dreams, read a book, perhaps have a game of scrabble by candle-light with the hubby whilst debating the UK’s current political situation. We would go for a walk and feed the ducks, maybe have a drive to the coast to play on the beach. Then we’d come home and I’d bake us some home-made goodies, tidy the house, write a few blog posts with a pen and actual paper, and take the time to relax in the garden just listening to the birds. Oh wait. Hang on. I’m a parent. Scrap that. I would spend around (tries to multiply 24 x 7) A LOT of hours repeating the words “No you can’t watch Trolls. It’s broken. No you can’t watch Moana. It’s broken…..”
9) If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?
I think that I would be fairly well positioned to take on a new destiny as “Keeper of The Nuts.” I’m a big fan of the squirrels and have spent the last few years shouting and pointing excitedly whenever I see one.
They’re sensible. They plan efficiently. They’re cute and they can climb trees. Those crafty red ones have got the entire human race bending over backwards to keep them safe and happy? I see no disadvantages really!
10) What’s your child’s current phrase of choice? You know – the one that makes you cringe every time they say it – usually at maximum volume?
Miss Tot has a thing for the song “Uptown Funk”. We have it on a You-Tube loop and we’re familiar with just about every version, including the Minions version. (Yes – there is a Minions cover). Only slight hiccough is that she’s not so great with the “n” sound in the second word and so doesn’t bother with it. Because why would you? #awkward.
11) Go on – admit it. Who is your kids TV character crush?
Hi. I’m Dawn. I have a teensy bit of a thing for Branch from Dreamworks Trolls Movie.
I particularly like the fact that he is mean and moody. Definitely the strong silent type. That bit when he saves Princess Poppy from the spider things? *swoons*
Apparently I have issues.
12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?
Just one? Are you kidding me?
I’m going with this one by James of #YouHaveToLaugh and A Life Just Ordinary:
“Internet Trolls – Not That Bright” Claims Report. – I read this in bed one night next to the hubby who was trying to go to sleep and I therefore had to try and explain why I was involuntarily snorting like a wildebeest and crying with laughter. He responded to my explanation of “It’s about trolls and how they have small willies.” with an eye roll and a disgruntled sigh. Honestly though. It’s hilarious!
(And no I didn’t pick this one just because it had the word Trolls in the title 😉 )
Thanks muchly for the #YouHaveToLaugh tag! I’m now handing it over to some of the funniest bloggers I know:
Click here or on the badge at the top to visit the #YouHaveToLaugh site for the rules and the badge code. Please tag me in @rhymingwithwine so that I can share the giggles too!